Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Just Can't Help It

I've become a really big fan of this site called There are hundreds of the most insane pictures of weddings and whomever it is that comments on them really cracks me up.

In this picture, I'm not so concerned that the bridesmaids are all in lingerie, cuz if you're bridesmaids all look decent in it, why not? I'm more worried about what that food is on the table! Is it already eaten? and thrown back up? Is that how they stay so skinny? Is it barbeque? Lobster? Roast beef? Really hard to tell.

Now, just who can you invite to the kind of wedding shown below?

Grandma? No, that would kill her. Mom and Dad? No, they'd gouge their eyes out. Friends? Enemies? I just don't know.

Umm, the bra goes on the INSIDE, I think.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Mr. Bell, the Original Butt Dialer

When one is the victim of a butt dialing, can one listen to the conversation without being called an eavesdropper? It seems that I am a frequent victim of the butt dial. I never actually carry my phone on my person, so I can't fathom how a person can butt dial. Especially since sometimes I am not a person that the dialer would call often, so I don't comprehend how it happens. Like I doubt I was the last call the person made so just hitting send shouldn't connect to me.

K-ster is a frequent butt dialer and sometimes I get a kick out of listening to the background noise. I can tell if he's in a store if there's a beeping scanner, or I can listen to him telling a story. But sometimes it's just annoying. Sadly, my phone works only in odd places in the house, so I go running from somewhere to answer because GOD FORBID someone should be calling to book a jewelry show and I might miss it.

Yesterday, I got a call from someone who just recently got my phone number. She rides at the barn where I ride. I couldn't imagine why she was calling. I could hear her talking but couldn't tell if she was talking to me or had butt dialed. So I listened for a few minutes. She called to her dogs, then began a conversation with "(name I couldn't hear) just called and said they STOLE the body off the truck. The guy said he'd leave the money there but when he went to get it, the body was missing and there was no money."

My first thought was OH NO, someone stole the barn truck and they think it's me!
My second thought was OH NO, she's involved in the mob and they are selling bodies! My third thought was HEY how long should I listen before it's considered rude????

I realized she was not talking to me and I had no patience, so I hung up and sent her a text. She was amused and said her BF's truck body was stolen. Not stolen without knowledge (because how can a person go to all of the work of stealing a truck bed and NO ONE sees it happening) but stole it because there was no money left. When I looked back at my text I thought perhaps I should erase it, lest the feds get it and think I'm involved in selling bodies or moving them off trucks. But then I thought I'd live on the edge and leave it on there.

Do you think Alexander Graham Bell thought this is what we would be doing with the phone 100 years after he figured it out? Was he like "Yes, now future generations can use their butts to call people and relay information that perhaps shouldn't be relayed."

This made me start thinking about Morse Code. Really, texting isn't all that different from Morseing, which is what we would have called it if we all lived back then. Except I doubt anyone ever accidentally sat on the telegraph and butt Morsed someone else. Or maybe that's how the first trans-Atlantic message was sent but they are afraid to put it in the history books.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Church On the Beach

A local Methodist church has Sunday morning services at 7:30 on the pier at the beach for the summer. I love going because it's really casual and it's outside and I just think it's neat. Someone brings a chocolate lab that sprawls out on the pier and snoozes through the whole thing. People bring chairs or you can sit on the benches. They bring a small sound system. It's pretty neat to see people fishing or going out in their boats while the service is going on.

And while the service is ultra casual, I wonder if some people think about what they are wearing. I have no problem with the runner who accidentally finds church on the beach and stays in running clothes. Or the man who will soon be on his wind surfer. But the woman in front of me wearing a t-shirt that has something funny about drunk lobsters? Something I don't exactly understand? Not exactly church material. On the back of her shirt, there was a picture of a bunch of lobsters sitting at a bar and one fell off the chair onto the floor. And it said something like "watch for falling lobsters." Hmmm.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Baring It All

Sometimes I can't find the funny in a normal situation, so I have to rely on the nonsensical that takes place in my dreams. Often that is funny enough.

If you know me, you know I am a volunteer aholic and I am especially devoted to the Cultural Center. So devoted in fact, that I had a fantastic dream last night. I dreamed I went to a doctor's office to get a donation for the Center. I was to speak to a woman named Snow White. I figured her name was Snow, last name White, so when I met her, I called her Snow. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've heard some of the strangest names you can imagine, so a woman named Snow, while odd, didn't throw me. No, her first name was Snow White. And she had something to do with microscopes in this office. So I went into her lab and marveled at the microscopes and then she said it was much too hot so we should go outside. I noticed her hair was white (Snow White, perhaps) and in a bun like the granny from Sylvester and Tweety. A middle aged lady named Snow White.

When we got outside, she had a desk and comfy banker's chair and directed me to get a chair from some other table. We were in the middle of some huge quad between buildings. Apparently it was VERY hot because I took of my shirt and eventually took of my pants so I was there in a sports bra and underwear and kept thinking "uh it's for the arts, who cares?". At some point I put my clothes back on, she gave me $1500 and I was tickled.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet

Flip flops are the only shoe a person can't sweat in, right? Your foot is completely free to breathe all it wants. So how is it possible that I am wearing flip flops right now that smell so awful I think I might have to go barefoot for the rest of the day????? None of my shoes smell anywhere near this bad. How is this possible?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

One Pancake At A Time

Many years ago, we were at someone's house (my whole family) and though we were in a hurry, my father said we could have breakfast in their house. We were staying in their yard in a motorhome. To protect the slow, I will make up a name. Let's call her Ethel. Ethel is a rather laid back person, nothing is ever done in a hurry. I don't think she has worried a day in her life. So, she offered to make us pancakes. There are 5 of us and 4 of them, so that's a lot of pancakes. We were used to our mother who makes like 4 at a time in the pan, so weren't we surprised when Ethel made ONE pancake at a time. I don't mean one HUGE, pan sized pancake. I mean just just poured in a little batter and made ONE at a time. We each got one and my mother hauled us out at lightning speed so we could get going and my father was like "WHAT took so long" and she said "Ethel made ONE pancake at a time." This became like a mantra for a long time.

I hadn't thought of this in years but today, it all came rushing back. My parents and their friends frequent a local deli for Sunday breakfast. I happen to think the place is gross. It's very tired. The ceramic ware is very old and banged up, there is a terrible theme of clown everywhere that should be cute but is scary, there's no room to wait, so everyone stares at you while you're eating, and it's just kind of gross, like I said before. To appease the masses, I go on mother's day, father's day and occasionally if someone is visiting, like a relative. I usually don't order food, but today guess what sounded good? PANCAKES.

As the waitress came to deliver the food, she asked me if I had pancakes with bacon but when I said just pancakes, she said she had forgotten to put that order in and she gave me ONE pancake. I was like "Umm, is ETHEL in the kitchen???"

Really, what are the odds that a) I would even go there, b) I would order food and c) the one thing I order wasn't ready like it should have been?????

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Lucky to Have A Warranty

After much deliberation, I bought a front loading washing machine back in 2003 and have been pretty happy with it all along. I learned early on that I better not use the high spin speed or it will shred my clothes if they accidentally get up near the glass, but otherwise, I am pleased. I can fit a lot in there and I like to think I'm saving water and energy as they say. I also bought an extended warranty, because part of being true to my name, I make sure I follow it to the letter and get all of my yearly services and whatever else I am entitled to.

However, 2 weeks ago, there was a most horrific screech, like someone put on the brakes and the washer wouldn't spin. I thought I had too much in there (impossible, they told me when I bought it) but even empty, there was no movement. So I called and was shocked to find I had 10 days left on my warranty which I assumed expired a year ago. So, a guy came and after 4 minutes told me it was a bearing and would have to be replaced. Little did I know that meant 2 giant boxes would arrive, which really meant getting a new washing basket and the housing it goes in. I thought a bearing was like a little ball so this was a huge surprise. The best they could do was come today, not mid week as they promised, so I waited for the 1pm-5pm window as they promised. At 12:50, one guy called and said they'd be there soon. Around 3:45 one showed up and about 20 minutes later, another one came. Am I monopolizing the washing machine repairmen? Are other households waiting for their appliances to be serviced and I have TWO guys at my house?

They currently have most of my washing machine in the middle of the living room. My laundry facilities are NOT in my living room on a normal day. Clearly it would be simpler and cheaper to give me a new washer, but they must live by the book there at Sears, so they will replace parts for a trillion dollars but not just replace the machine. Amazing. But my extended warranty covers it, so I just sit and wait. And now they say I need a new shock which they thankfully can provide today. So I'll have the guts of a brand new washer but my old washer on the outside.

And should the washer go over any bumps in its travels, it will have a new shock to make it a smooth ride.

How did I get so lucky?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Carry On, Jeeves

I'm not sure where the funny is in this one but it entertains me when I think about it. I was in a store the other day and there was a girl, maybe 24, with a variety of kids, but I didn't look up to check. This was the day I was buying shoes #2 for that wedding so I was on a mission. The shoes were by the fitting room so I heard the fitting room lady talking to her about the kids and the lady was getting that strained voice where she wants to tell the kids to behave but doesn't want to step on the mother's toes. I guess the girl had a friend who had taken a kid to the bathroom and the plan was that both girls would take this passel of children into the fitting room together, so girl A had to wait for girl B.

As time passed, girl A was telling Dressing Room Lady about the kids and that this or these were hers and this or that was girl B's and girl B had some of girl A's kids in the bathroom. Or something. I was really just trying to find shoes and didn't want to be bothered. I could hear Dress Room Lady judging her, thinking that she was too young to have a bunch of kids even if some of them were girl B's and what in the world did they think they were doing taking them to a store at 8pm on a weeknight, a store where the girls had to try on clothes? Wait, that might have been my inner voice, not Dress Room Lady's but we might have been on the same wavelength.

The kids were well behaved until girl B reappeared. I didn't count but when the whole group was together there might have been 4-6 children under the age of talking except for one who was telling everyone everything they might need to know.

Suddenly girl B kept telling someone to "carry on". And she'd said it repeatedly. If we were in England, I don't think I would have given it a second listen, but here in America, girls who are in their early 20's and have a variety of children and are wearing things that fit into the category of clothes that say BOOTYLICIOUS on the butt are not the kind of girls who say "carry on". Again, not looking up, I kept wondering why she'd say "carry on" to a maybe 4 year old boy. And it was never like "ok young chap, carry on then, my good man". It was always like "CARRY ON, stop doing that" "CARRY ON, put that back" "CARRY ON, where did you put her thing" you get the idea.

Using my brilliant powers of deductive reasoning, I determined that this must be the poor boy's name! But what is it? I have a student named Ciaran, a good old Irish name, but it's pronounced keer-on. Could this poor girl have named her child this name but thought it was pronounced Carry on? Is it Carion, like road kill? Is it Kerry Ohn? Carrie On? Kerion? What could it possibly be????

I have seen more variations of human names than I could ever have imagined possible. Every spelling of the name Katelin you could even put together. I've taught Princess, Nephtalie, every version of Sierra, J. (not Jay), Latarsha, Levaante, Cara pronounced by drawing out the aaaaaaahhhhhhhh in the middle, the list goes on. But to hear a stranger call her kid such a strange name really shocked me this time. Seeing what I call crazy names on paper never seems weird. Hearing a mother repeat her child's name ad nauseum (I wonder if Ad Nauseum would make a good name?)gave me pause. I think it might have distracted me a little and made the shoe buying a little too long.

And what if this kid ever goes to a country where it is commonplace to tell people to "carry on" when they are doing something that they've interrupted?

Monday, June 14, 2010


On my way to the barn, look what appeared. I know it's in the woods and I know I'm not supposed to be amazed, but I was. It wasn't afraid of The General at all and I sat there for a few minutes watching until it came completely into view like this. It was very skinny, you could see the ribs. The people who live out in these woods must get tired of seeing them but I was pretty excited!

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Anyone who knows me knows that Thrifty Cheap Frugal is my actual name. I think it comes from Old Scottish meaning refuses to spend a penny she doesn't have to. When it's pronounced with a brogue, it's actually a pretty name.

I rarely make spontaneous shopping decisions, especially if they are pricey, and instead will agonize for hours about whether or not I should buy something that I don't seem to actually NEED in order to function. Then I'll go home and see if everyone online is charging such exhorbitent prices and then I still have to mull it over. Then I go back to buy it and they don't have my size. See, I didn't need it anyway!

However, when shopping for the wedding mentioned in yesterday's blog, I decided that I should buy something fun because it's so rare that I splurge. It was a formal affair and I have a couple of dresses that I could have worn but I've worn them to a lot of weddings already. If anyone looked at pictures from all of the weddings we've attended, they would think we really only attended 2 weddings because I've only worn these 2 different dresses to them all! I went to TJ MAxx and found a dress for less than $20 that I LOVED and was pretty pleased at the price tag. Then I got to the shoe department. I have the same relationship with shoes that I have with pants. Most of what I love won't fit the way I want so I hate shopping for both and I punish the shoes and pants by refusing to buy them. So there! But then these little gems popped out at me and I thought they would be really fun, they look a little fancy and they are actually heels but very comfortable.

Exhibit A

Very cute, yes. Borns, so they are comfortable but they aren't as comfortable looking as most of their shoes. They do have that signature fat stitching but it blends really well. But pricey!! $50 at Marshall's and TJMaxx!! And I just grabbed them and bought them! My intention was to wear them with a brown dress because I couldn't find what I wanted in gold or bronze. Instead, I wore them all the next day and the day after that and ended up buying another pair of shoes that were almost as much money. I wore the new ones instead to the wedding. They were a pinky-nude color that went better with the brown.

Now I think these beauties will be my lia sophia show shoe for the summer. They are fun and people have already commented on them. Hmmm, this sounds like something I might be able to write off as a business expense if I wear them when conducting business....

I found out they have them in black when I went to Marshall's on my 2nd shoe shopping trip. So now I have to decide if I should own two of the exact same pairs of shoes in different colors. Probably not.

And just which animals has a sparkling silver hide that makes these shoes? Another worry for another post.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


We went to a wedding last night that was right on the water. Right after the ceremony, the bride and groom went out on a friend's catamaran and "cruised" around the bay. It was a really pretty night. They put out the sail but there wasn't enough wind, so they had to use engine power too.

They could have floated off to Europe for all the guests knew though. I think the plan was that everyone was supposed to stand at watch while the new couple went down the dock and then cruised around and then we were all supposed to wave as they went by and have a very Hollywood moment. Instead, people were inside having cocktails and fancy cocktail food and even when the bride's father whistled, causing all conversation to come to a screeching halt, to tell us the plan, no one really moved to go wave at them. So, like my cat who likes to lay uside down like a dead cat to get my attention while I ignore her, so too did the bride and groom cruise around for 20 minutes while we were supposed to wave. At least I went and took a picture so I did witness it. Other people were too busy licking, I mean looking at the ice sculpture and helping themselves to the open bar to notice.

This is the kind of thing that makes me think everyone should be handed a script with all of the stage prompts instead of a program. This way everyone will know exactly what to expect, where they need to be, at what time, whether they enter stage left or right. I happen to think wedding planners are wackos but when someone has the money to orchestrate an event of this proportion then it does make sense to have a captain directing the team at all times so everyone is where they should be when they should be there.

And then I tried to imagine what the 2 little kids who attended must have thought:
1. mommy and daddy got us all dressed up and have been trying to keep us quiet at this really fancy place
2. all of the adults seem to think we are so cute all dressed up but they are making funny faces as we run around banging on the sliders
3. we walked down like 4 million steps to go to the beach but we can't actually go ON the beach; we have to sit on white chairs in rows looking at the beach that we can't go onto
4. here come lots of ladies in purple dresses and men in suits and then a lady in white with her father; we're supposed to be very quiet but we just want to know why everyone's dressed up at the beach and why can't we play in the sand?
5. now someone is talking on and on and mommy is trying to keep us quiet while the adults give us more funny looks
6. now everyone is standing and clapping while the lady and man leave and we have to climb back up the 4 million steps.
7. now that lady and man are walking away from everyone and THEY GET TO GO ON A BOAT! how come we can't go on the boat? does anyone even see them? no, but they heard my sister break a glass...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Horsing Around

Tucker Jumps The Fence

In March of 2009, I decided it was time to start riding a horse. It's something I've always wanted to do and when someone told me that they ride not too far from my house, I thought I would call and see if she'd teach me too. I really like it. It's been almost a year and half and I am pleased with my progress. And, in fitting with the theme that I can't stay clean, it's the dirtiest thing I've ever done. Not only am I always sweaty when I ride, even when it's cold, but it's always dusty and he's never squeaky clean, so I come home dirty from that too.

Today, we tried jumping. We've jumped a couple of times by accident, jumping over the rails that were flat on the ground, and it didn't scare me. Cantering scared me to death but jumping, no big deal. Today though, she had me jump over real jumps on purpose and it was fun. Some landings were very soft and graceful and a few were not so soft or graceful. Kenny was there and took some pictures. I hoped he could catch us in the air but most are before and after. This is the closest to catching us mid jump.

Yes, I'm wearing pants. My mother thought I was just in shorts but that would be ludicrous. The straps would pinch my legs and I'd have bruises forever.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Strawberry Thieves

They may be tiny but they are sweet and they are mine!

In my never ending quest to get dirty, I love to garden. I'm all about the vegetable garden though, not the flowers only, snooty type of gardening. I have flowers too, but I prefer things I can eat when they grow, not just look at.

We are currently in strawberry season. Last year, I broke all the rules about moving strawberry plants, I tend to break every gardening rule yet have great results, and moved my plants after they bore fruit last June. I just dug them up, hacking them in the process, and they were so thrilled with the new digs that some of them went into bloom again and I had a couple more strawberries later in the summer. They came up with a vengeance this spring and they are starting to ripen. 5-7 per day. Very small, nothing like you see in the store, but neat anyway. I was eating my oatmeal today, making my morning rounds, and picked a handful of strawberries. Wanting to keep my hand free while I kept eating and walking around, I put them on the table and then forgot to bring them inside. I remembered them this afternoon. Someone ate them. And when I say someone, I don't mean the kind of someone who walks on 2 legs and can open garden gates. I suspect it's a squirrel thinking it hit the jackpot with berries it didn't even have to pull off the vine. But I was more annoyed with the small piece of strawberry that someone left behind on the ground. It was probably too much to stuff in its mouth and make it over the fence, so it just let some kind of dribble out on the ground.

Some people put screens and all sorts of things over their strawberries so they can enjoy them all themselves but I haven't reduced myself to that yet. FOr now, I pick them before they are completely ripe and enjoy what I can get.