Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The One Where I Levitated

I am suffering from severe ADD this week.  I'm supposed to be posting about the wedding and then I've started talking about the new horses at the barn and now I'm going to go right off track and tell the most inappropriate story I've ever told on this blog.

I guess it is related to the wedding, actually, so maybe I'm not so far off the map.

On Friday, k-ster and I drove north to his brother's wedding.  Yes, the brother who so eloquently complimented my sewing skills.  They live just far enough away that it wouldn't have been a good idea to drive back and forth each day.  K-ster was the best man so he had to be there for the rehearsal on Friday and the wedding on Saturday.  It would have made for 2 very late nights.

I was concerned about Boston traffic but the bride assured me that since we were headed through and around the city while everyone would be headed out, there would be no traffic issues to worry about.  K-ster was sure we'd hit rush hour traffic but I was sure we wouldn't, thanks to the bride's wisdom filled words, so I didn't take any time off of school and we left just before 3.  The rehearsal was at 6pm, so 3 hours should have gotten us there with enough time to go to the hotel first and then to the yacht club.

We cruised up toward Boston and just before the split where traffic usually becomes an issue, I thought I should tell him to stop so I could go to the bathroom.  But, I didn't have to go that badly and the bride had said there wouldn't be much traffic to speak of, so I didn't say anything.  I just made sure not to have any more water.

And then we came to serious traffic.  And heard on the radio that there was a major accident on some other route that was so bad it was screwing up everything.  But I didn't think that meant it would touch us because we were east of it and going north.

We saw a sign that said 17 minutes to go 8 miles, which I didn't think was too bad.  But that sign must have been for some other Boston, because it felt like it took much longer than 17 minutes.  And I started to need the bathroom more, but figured once we got through the 17 minutes for 8 miles, we'd be sailing through the city and then I'd say something.

Except we didn't sail.  We went off the exit toward the airport and came to the tunnel and STOPPED.  DEAD.

I started to worry that I might REALLY have to go before we got through that traffic, so I kind of mumbled that after we get through the city, I need to go.

K-ster said there are country roads after the tunnel, so he'd find somewhere.

And we crawled.

Stop. Crawl. Listen to the semi behind and the semi in front rev their engine every.single.time we move.  Crawl. Stop. Listen to the rev. Crawl.  Stop.  Watch the traffic in the other lane move along faster.

Fantasize about getting out and squatting right behind the railing on the side of the tunnel.

Imagine that on the other side of the doors that say NO EXIT there are rows and rows of clean toilets just asking to be used.

Think maybe I can go out the driver's side and just go before we move again.

Hope that around that next corner I will see daylight and we'll be out.

Listen to the rev.  Crawl.  Crawl faster.  STOP.  Sit there.

Worry that I actually might explode.  Like really.  I might just wet my pants.

Imagine what it would be like to arrive at a yacht club stinking like pee.  Figure it's better than smelling like throwup which is what might happen if I don't go soon.

Wonder if my leather seats will actually smell if I pee right on them.

Look at the GPS and see that we are under water, which I knew, but that we have to go under ALL THAT WATER before we get out.  And we had barely crawled 10 feet.

I started to really think I was going to wet myself.  K-ster was really quiet.  It was like a tomb.  Except for those effing semi trucks.  Every time they revved I had to go that much more!

And then people started blowing their horns, like that might help.

And then k-ster pointed to his empty coffee cup.  I had already had that fantasy.  But it was daylight and I had a skirt on and there was luggage all over the back seat.

And I looked at the GPS and we had gone 2 feet.  I told myself if we weren't out in 10 minutes, I'd just do it.

2 minutes went by.

And I was so desperate, I climbed over the armrest and into the back.  I didn't know that I could stand  in the back of a Jeep Liberty and throw suitcases in the way back AND put the seat back upright.

So I grabbed the coffee cup, completely disgusted that I was going to do this and told k-ster not to say a single word and don't dare look back.

And then I realized my skirt was tight, so it wasn't going to work.  All that effort and I wasn't even going to be able to go!

I pushed my seat forward because I pictured a spacious space on the floor but it only went so far forward.  I actually almost cried.  If all of my body fluid hadn't been threatening to burst through my bladder at that moment, I probably could have.

So, I did the only thing one could do in this situation.

I took off my skirt and did a squatting/kneeling/levitating move on the seat that I never imagined I would ever have to do.  And then I couldn't go.  My brain was like "ummm, you are in a moving vehicle, in broad daylight without a skirt on.  Someone could see you." and I was like "umm, we're in a tunnel and the windows are kind of dark, now GO!"

But then I realized I had to go so badly, I might actually fill that cup.  And then what would I do?  What if I filled it too far and it went all over my seat?????  Then we'd be right where we would have been if I'd just gone in my own seat in the first place.

So, I did the second impossible thing of the day.  I stopped partway and then said "well, now what do I do?  I have 3/4 of a cup of pee in my hand and I'm not done.  WHAT DO I DO?????"

So k-ster told me to pour it out the window.

And since I had lost all sense of reason the moment I decided to climb back there, I opened the window, sitting in my underwear, casually looked to make sure a cop wasn't behind me and I poured out my pee like it was a cold cup of coffee. 

I rolled up the window, reassumed the position, finished the job, opened my window, checked for cops and poured out another cup of hot pee.

And then I sat there.

What do you do with a cup that has just been used as a bathroom?  I'm no litterbug.  So, I got the hand sanitizer, wiped around it hoping there was no smell, put the cover on it and put it in the cupholder.

And sat there for a second enjoying the fact that I had no bottoms on. And no seatbelt!

We still hadn't gone more than maybe 100 yards.

I eventually put my skirt back on before we left the tunnel and climbed back in the front.  Much harder to do than climbing in the back, by the way.

I do believe we were in that tunnel for close to an hour.

And those country roads?  All fields of oil tanks for fuel storage with nary a gas station or drive through in sight. I don't know where k-ster thought he would have pulled over and there was no way I would have gotten away with doing that trick out there in the blazing sun.

And the cup?  I handed it to the bride and told her "no, we didn't hit traffic at all.  Totally smooth sailing for a Friday afternoon".

Daring to link up here: 


  1. What a great and somewhat awkward story :) Thanks for sharing!

  2. Oh been there...but mine involved a Clorox wipes container and a paper towel...

  3. OH my gosh! I was wondering if this sort of thing actually happened. Props to you girl for doing that. I probably would have peed my pants. :)

    Thank you for linking up with us for 'Friday Funnies!' You totally made me laugh out loud!

    -Amanda | Living in Another Language


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