I Knew That Masters Degree Would Come in Handy

It's the end of another year and I'd like to share my top 10 posts of all time.  According to the number of views.  According to blogger's calculations, anyway.  Some of these are not what I would have chosen, but they must have caught the eye of someone who needed to know more!

Starting off, #9

I Knew That Master's Degree Would Come In Handy 

I just didn't know it would be for something so simple.

You know I'm a lia sophia jewelry advisor, and have been for 5 years.  I really like selling the jewelry and it's a fun thing to do on the side.  I would never make a career of it because then I would have to hound people to have shows and I don't want to do that.  Ever.  It should be fun, not something you do because you feel guilty.  Or scared that I will bite you.

A friend of mine is a Pampered Chef consultant and has tried for a while to get me on board.  No way Jose, I have told her time and time again.  Her name is not Jose, but let's protect the sly devil  that she is innocent.

We did a couple of shows together which proved to be very bad for both of us.  It sounds like a great deal:  invite your friends over just once and have all of those consultants over at once so they stop bugging you.  However, people can't deal.  They dont' know which company to buy from.  They come with one mind set and then feel overwhelmed.  They don't know what to do.

So they buy nothing and leave.

Not a smart thing for either of us.

So, we decided after the last fiasco, NO MORE OF THAT.  It did, however, let us chat at length about the two companies.  There are big pros and cons to being a consultant with both.  Nope, I'm not sharing a single pro or con for either.

Let's just say that I we made a deal with the devil and I "somehow" became a Pampered Chef consultant over the weekend.  I am such a great friend.  Let me stop and pat myself on the back.   Numerous times.    It's all in the  name of helping her promote to manager.  Yeah for Jose.

Anyway, so here I am.  Jewelry and cooking supplies.  Teachers have the summer "off" right?  I should have plenty of time to book all kinds of shows and be rolling in dough (ha ha ha literally) all summer right?  RIIIIIIIGHT.

So, here's how the Master's degree comes in to play.  I know, you're like "whoa- you got a Master's in being a jewelry or Pampered Chef advisor??  COOL!!"  Of course not.  I wasn't even a business major.  I can barely do math. 

Today, I entered my first Pampered Chef  show and there was a guest who was entitled to this month's hostess bonus because she had a show last month.    And the hostess wanted to take her own special deal too.

So, I got into my site, got down to business and started entering the show.  I've done this 4,000 times with lia sophia so you would think it would be easy.  And it basically was.

Until I tried to get the hostess special for the hostess and the guest.  I could not for the life of me, make it work.  And I tried really hard.  So, I called Jose and she told me to do everything I had already done and it still didn't work, so she said she'd call the Big Guns and get an answer.  We stumped the Big Guns too.

So, I sucked it up and called tech support.  And I started with "I'm a new consultant and I've managed to stump two managers..."  She laughed and said she is fearless.  And then she told me to do what I already had done.   And it still didn't work.

So she passed me along.

I sat and waited and listened to muzak.  And what did my highly trained, Master's degree holding eyeballs discover?

That's right, the wonderful little icon on the right that said "click here to add hostess special" and the other icon on the right that said "click here to add guest special for previous hostess".  Yes, those very 2 icons.  That 4 sets of eyeballs couldn't find.

Until the beautiful muzak drove me to find something to get me out of that hell before I died.

I didn't expect to pay off my education in cookware, but whatever works! Linking up with Finding the Funny. Go there, there's a giveaway today!

Not Sure I Can Grin and "Bear" This One...

I don't usually disclose where I live in the event that my 48 fans decide to stalk me and gas me out of my house.  However, I might have to share that information to illustrate my point.  Please don't gas me.  Or write things on my house.  Or the General.  And, for the love of God, don't picket on my lawn.

We live on a manmade island, but most of us think of it as a peninsula.  A canal was dug in the early 1900s so that boats could save time getting in to port, and 2 bridges were created to get across.  It's not a very wide canal, but it has crazy currents running through it.  It's maybe the width of 2 football fields?  I don't know, I'm not very good with measurements off hand, but it's not like 1/4 mile or anything.

We have all sorts of wildlife, as I've explained, but this weekend, we had our first ever "bear".  I can't write it without the " " because I don't believe this is a bear that has been spotted.  I believe it's a very big dog, like a Newfoundland, or a Bouvier de Flandres or a hairy Mastiff.  Or maybe it's a gorilla.  Because as far as I'm concerned, I'd be just as willing to believe a gorilla had jumped onto our "island" than I would be to believe it's a bear.

I know some of you live in bear country and that bears are not cute and are not a laughing matter when they are chasing you up trees and shaking your car and destroying your back yard oasis.

I simply cannot take part in the blind belief that local residents have that indeed, this is a bear. 

http://www.capecodonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20120530/NEWS11/120539985/-1/NEWS

Not only did this "bear" take a dip in very dangerous currents and make it across the canal, it then has made its way 25 miles or so in 3 days.  Again, I know bears can swim.  I know they travel.  I don't doubt that a bear would travel almost 10 miles a day looking for food.

However, I just don't believe that a solitary bear, one that looks rather young, has manage to leave its friends and neighbors behind, jumped in the water, and is making a beeline for the tip of the Cape by sundown. 

Also fascinating to me is that this "bear" is only staying along one roadway.  In what is ironically the most protected "historic" section of the Cape.  Proctected like you have to choose from a selection of paint colors for your house.  Like you have to get permission to change the style of your windows.  Like having bears in that neck of town would be most inappropriate.

So, until this creature lumbers by my own window, I just won't believe it.  And since I don't live in the historic section, I doubt I'll have a chance.  They don't like to share.

Who Wants A Job?

I've been riding a different horse for a couple of weeks.  His name is Jake and he's 27.  You'd think such an old horse would be dragging his butt but he's pretty energetic and so many ways different from Tucker, I'd have to write a whole post just about that.

But that's not my point today.

Today, r-ster and his owner c-ster were talking about how he seems pretty happy to be ridden lately.  C-ster said horses love nothing than to have a job to do.   He was on stall rest for a tendon issue for a while but is all healed and enjoying me, according to them.

I've heard that before.  Put a horse in a pasture day after day and they just get bored and atrophy.  Exercise a horse regularly and make it think and do what you want and it will keep on truckin'.

I repeated this comment to someone today who said "that's why women and horses get along so well!  Horses like to have jobs to do and women are always coming up with jobs for people to do!"

Hmm, something to ponder.

Linking up with the Finding the Funny Gals
and Saturday Laughs

Someone's Pants Are Burning

And that someone is Martha Stewart.

According to Parade Magazine, when asked if she ever orders take-out, she says "Oh, I never do!  I can't remember the last time I ordered a pizza.  I will either eat out in a very good restaurant or I will cook."

Really?  Really?  Can't remember the last time she ordered a pizza?

Is that "a good thing"?

Ba.Lo.Ney.

Teacher Loses Pants, Operation Shock and Awe A Success

If you see this headline tomorrow, don't be surprised. 

I have a new habit of wearing disintegrating clothes without knowing it in the spring and summer.  I don't know if my thighs are super close now or what, but I'm making swiss cheese of pants like it's my job.  It could be that I refuse to throw out clothes if they still fit, due to my frugal nature.  And I love my summer clothes that I bought in the 90s that don't seem to exist anymore.  They appear to be timeless (to me) and I can't part with them.

So, every time I wear these pants that are from the Express circa 199?, I worry that this might be the last time I can be seen in public and not hear the whispers.

I love these capris.  I love the way they fit, the way they hang, the color and did I mention, the way they fit?  I've worn them in Europe, I've worn them just about since I started teaching, I've worn them and worn them and worn them.  And they remain clean and intact.

They  have this very weird closure.  It just zips and then there's a tie thing.  No buttons or clasps.  And they manage to stay up.  Like magic!

There was this one time that I was tieing them and the tie broke (I'm holding the remains) and I thought "Ok, this is the last day for these".  But, many years later, I still dare to wear them.

The inner thighs look ok to me.  Right now.  But there is a good chance they will completely disappear by 3pm and I'll be standing here in my underwear while my 7th graders sit in utter silence.

I suppose I should keep the high kicks and splits to a minimum today.

In the meantime, I'm linking up with Finding the Funny, and Saturday Laughs.

Manning the Camp

My niece turned 1 on Friday and my family went to their house to celebrate her first birthday.  Hard to believe it's been a year since this post.  I first saw her last June, when she was about a month old.  Now she's 1 and just about to walk and babbling and being funny all the time.

I was just there in April and I'll  be going back in June, so I wasn't too disappointed to miss the first birthday party.  Plus, someone had to stay home to guard the compound.  This is the beginning of our busy season and it's not a good time for all of us to be gone.
So, I stayed at home and did the following:

-went  into the office and dug through all the secret files
-added an extra digit to everyone's rent except my own
-ran around telling people if they don't shape up, I'll hitch the General up to their trailer and they'll find themselves on the street come morning
-mowed the endless fields of grass that are so out of control in the spring
-bought my parents a dog so they don't look lonely when they take their walks
-let some Hell's Angels park for the night because they swore they'd be quiet

Just a normal weekend around here.

Project Runway Wants Me Now

There are only so many of us who are blessed with the gift of pulling off an outfit like this...

...in broad daylight... 

To mow the grass.

So many levels of wrong are crashing into each other at once, I have no doubt it will be the new biggest trend to hit the runways since, well, the jet.

Really, how can you not love this?  It's women's golf meets walking in the Outback meets running a race meets Hollywood glam.

I know you want to be me. Linking up here.

But what I really want to know is, do those glasses make my butt look big?

Linking up with the Finding the Funny ladies and Saturday Laughs.  Go see who else can make you laugh at their expense!