Thursday, March 20, 2014

Even My Crayons Are Too Fat

I had a very strange conversation at school the other day that reminded me of this one:

"I don't like you so much. For one... You smelly and for two.... You don't smell so nice"

If you can place the show that came from, you must either be one of my sisters or you have the same kind of demented humor they do.  Can you name it?  Can you?   Huh?

I'll tell you in a future post.

The following conversation is as inane as the one above.  But sadly, it wasn't being filmed before a studio audience.  Or anyone else.

That I know of.

So, the other day, a student came up to me, very distressed.

The entire school is working on the same project for me, and I swear it might actually end up being the project that puts me right in my grave.  4 decades too early.

Do you ever get these brilliant ideas on your way to sleep that seem to be the perfect way to show what your students know and then 2 months, I am not kidding, 2 months later you are still getting kids to finish a rough draft so they can do their final product?

That is the hell in which I live right now.  Day after day.

Snow days, half days, sick days, February vacation.  They've all interfered with my grand scheme to get this marvelous project done and out for display and I think it could easily take until June, if I let it.

We started in January.  I have proof because some kids wrote the date on their papers when I gave them to them.

They have to write 5 sentences in French.   That's right, 5.  And they are very simple.  They follow a pattern.  And then they have to draw a picture for each one.

In color, no less.

And then, when their "book" is finished, they have to videotape themselves reading it and come show it to me.

Needless to say, my classroom is a bit tense these days as I am repeating eleventy billion times a day "let's go, we need to get this done, let's go, stop talking and get your project finished, let's go, what are you doing with your ipad, let's go, stop talking and get this done, you need to get this done, yes go to the bathroom and then GET THIS EFFING PROJECT DONE~!!!!!!!".

It's excellent when a student who is done brings me their ipad so I can watch their video and I hear my own voice in the background of their video telling the class to EFFING FINISH TODAY OR NO RECESS FOR A YEAR!

I can only dream.  Because you know who'd be stuck with them at their recess time?  That's right.  Me.

Pretty soon I'm going to tell them the Easter bunny won't bring them treats.

And then I'll pack up my things and go home because I know better than to bring religion into it.  Religion cannot help us this far into the game.

Anyproject, this girl came up to me with a very distressed face and said:

"Mademoiselle Sparkling?  Umm, your crayons are TOO FAT".

You must say that with the most valley girl accent you can muster.  She is not a valley girl but that is how everything is delivered.    Mouth open, words falling out.

I really didn't know what to say.   I was actually speechless for a second.

I am the master of THE LOOK, so I gave her that while I tried to figure out what she was talking about.

And then I said "well, what would you like me to do?"

Shave them?  Sharpen them?  Melt them?  Put them on some kind of no wax diet?

She just stood there.

Then she said "they're just so FAT!"

And I began to feel very bad about myself.  If my crayons are too fat, what else must be too fat?  It seriously felt like a personal insult!

And she stood there.  With a distressed face.

So, I said "I'm not sure what you'd like me to do."

This always throws kids for a loop.  They expect that I will solve every dilemma they have, without them having to come up with any kind of solution, so at least once per class I tell someone "I'm not sure what you'd like me to do" when they come up with a cockamamy thing for me to do for them.

They walk away so surprised that they have to actually think or do something themselves.

And I walk away a little smug that I'm not one of those adults that does everything for them.  We have teachers who tell me that they sharpen kid's pencils because "it's easier".  So kids come to me and ask me to sharpen their pencil and I just burst out laughing and say "NO WAY" and make them do it.**

So, back to this girl who can't deal with my FAT crayons.

After a couple of minutes of just standing there, holding one of my fat crayons, she walked  back to her desk.

And used the very same fat crayons to do what she needed to do.

And left me feeling very bad about myself.

So I ate some chocolate while I doodled with my fat crayons.

**While I enjoy making kids think for themselves and actually strategize solutions to their unending dilemmas in the classroom, please know that if it was a serious issue (body fluids, broken limbs, fire) I would help them and give suggestions or do what needed to be done.  Probably.

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  1. Nope, I don't know what program that line came from. I'm still shaking my head over "fat crayons". In my 15 years of working with students, I've not heard that one before, lol.

  2. When my boys were in elementary school, the start of year supplies list always included 'colored pencils'. Maybe colored pencils are the answer to the 'fat crayons' problem.

    1. I have colored pencils too, but then the issue is sharpening them. They ruin electric pencil sharpeners and the wall mounted one in my room doesn't work and there isn't one to replace it. A little hand held one would be the solution butntheynalways walk away.


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