Wednesday, February 27, 2013

How I Know I Don't Belong on the Amazing Race

Recently, Poppy, from Funny or Snot ,mentioned that she'd like me to be one of her partners on the Amazing Race, if she were so inclined to do the Amazing Race.  I listed the reasons I can't do the Amazing Race, though there was a time when I thought I really want to do it.

I used to be an avid fan and when the invention of watching preshown tv on the computer the next day came about, I was even more of a fan because I could watch it when I had time and not listen to k-ster asking why I watch such trash (we don't have a DVR, so I have to watch it online).

Remember the old days, when you either had to watch it the night it was on or videotape it with the VCR?  And if you were like some people, your VCR was not set up right and you had to watch what you were taping because if you changed the channel, it recorded that instead?   Let's all pause a moment and remember our grandmothers, and possibly mothers, whose dream it was to watch one thing while recording another, only to completely forget how to set it up to record anything anyway....

I digress.

So, somewhere along the way, I kind of stopped watching the Amazing Race.  I had a lot of things I had to keep up with, and one season everyone pissed me off, so I stopped watching.

After Poppy's post, I thought it was time to watch it again.  And I am.  And I am enjoying it, but probably for the wrong reasons.  Because this season?  They have the DUMBEST.PEOPLE.EVER.  I'm serious.

I'm enjoying making fun of them in my head (since I have to watch alone because k-ster can't stand the drama) ((this from the man who starts each day watching some dreadful news channel and some stock thing with a crazy guy who yells about what to do in the stock market, all of which is way too much drama at 6:45am))
If you haven't ever watched it, you can probably still enjoy this post because you get the general premise which is:  with a partner, travel the world doing tasks which scare the bejeezus out of you and make you eat disgusting things and occasionally see the most amazing sites, oh and win $1 million if you finish first the last day.

Without further ado, which I always think is spelled adieu, which is the French word for goodbye and it makes no sense at all, I will share with you how I know I am too smart to play on the Amazing Race. 

1.  When the twin doctors got in the water, which they fear more than anything in this world, they said "THE WATER IS EVERYWHERE"

Now, maybe I am a snob because I have lived my 38 years on the water, but I thought everyone knew that when you go in the ocean, in say, Bora Bora, the water is indeed EVERYWHERE.  Had they never seen a picture of the ocean?  Never seen a kid in a pool?  Even in a kiddie pool, when you are in the water, it is actually EVERYWHERE.

And these guys are doctors.  I would no sooner let one of them look  at my hangnail than I would at my ladyparts.  Because they are OB/GYNs.  And they appeared really d-u-m-b on the 2 episodes I watched.  I have to say I had an uneasy feeling from the get go because when they showed the little video of each team on the first episode, they showed the two of them, in the same room, about to do an ultrasound on a pregnant woman.  Two doctors to do an ultrasound?  REALLY?  And they are brothers?  I can't tell you how worried I'd be if that circus showed up in the room, even if there was a camera crew explaining why they were there.

I lost a lot of respect for those two the first time they mentioned a fear of water.  Anyone who has even seen a commercial for the Amazing Race knows that water will be involved at some point.  I feel like they would just as easily be in the delivery room and announce 1 minute before the delivery "well, we didn't know there would be actual babies involved in delivering babies."

2.  This one is actually #2 and #3 When the Alabama couple, or whatever super southern state they come from, had to do the task that said "Who is well balanced?" she said he had to do it because "HE WORKS AT WAL-MART AND HE WALKS UP AND DOWN THOSE AISLES ALL DAY LONG".  

Is the Wal-Mart he works at on a cruise ship on the high seas?  Are the aisles a roller coaster?  Does he walk on stilts around the store?   Hop around on a pogo stick?  Just what is it about walking those aisles that makes him have such exceptional balance?

And we can thank his quote for the title of the first episode "BUSINESS IN THE FRONT, PARTY IN THE BACK".  That was in reference to his hair.  HIS HAIR.

I have little respect for this team because he tripped and went flying over his own bags within the first 10 minutes (our version, I know real life is like hours long) of the first episode and then he shoved his wife into the boat on this one, by grabbing her crotch and shoving her onto the boat because she said to just drag her in.  They are not coordinated enough as a team to be on this show.  You must be very nimble and athletic if you expect to make it past the first few episodes.

4.  The father/son team lost me from the very beginning.  Yes, they both survived cancer and that is fantastic.  Yes, 2 years ago, the son was battling with chemo and here is today, a professional cyclist and now they get to be on the race together.

But the fateful mistake was made in episode 2 when they didn't pick up their gear while they had the lead.  I was really mad that they climbed through the bushes at this really nice resort in Bora Bora to go to a traditional blessing before they were supposed to embark on the task.  These two just burst through bushes going up and going down, while others used the path, and I thought it was so tasteless.  And then they didn't pick up their stuff and I was wetting myself.  That sealed the deal for me.

Or so I thought.

Then there was the scene where they were running on the beach and the father yells "I JUST RUPTURED MY ACHILLES" while he was still running.  He limped onto the mat and said it again.  And again.  And Phil might have even said "I hope you didn't rupture your achilles" or that might have been in  my head.  And they left the mat with the father saying he needed to see a physician to find out if he had ruptured his achilles or not.  He was WALKING off the mat as he said this.

I have not ruptured my achilles but I know someone who did.  She did not continue walking, yelling about rupturing something.  She immediately collapsed and thought she had been shot.  There was no limping and sort of jogging while whining.  There was excruciating pain and no walking and weeks of a cast after surgery, etc.  I am not a doctor but I am pretty sure that man did not rupture anything, at that point in time.

***UPDATE****  I have seen commercials for the next episode and the father is indeed wearing a cast and has to have a plastic bag on it, so he must have done something.....  But I refuse to believe he ruptured it right then and there.

While these are just the highlights of the teams who have said the DUMBEST things already in the first 2 episodes, I feel that I must watch the rest of the season to see which dodoheads actually come out of this on top.  Right now, I don't even think I have an inkling who might win it.

I just know it won't be me because I'm busy being all smart and stuff, like here and here and here.

Linking here and  here and  here and here and here and here and  here


  1. Yeah the ob duo freaked me out too. Why would they BOTH be in the room? Weird.
    But to be fair to the mullet guy his wife did tell him to just drag her in haha. And she didn't seem fazed at all.

  2. The sad thing about reality programs is that their only goal is to make normal people look, say and do dumb things. The networks only show us what they believe will create the best "viewing experience". Their opinion and my opinion are usually quite different, lol.

    The doctors are from my rural community and this program did not portray their true personalities or professionalism.

    Like you, I will undoubtedly watch the entire season to see which team reaches the mat first.

  3. Oh goodness, you made me laugh.. especially at the doctors fear of water.. :)

  4. I've been rewatching all of the old seasons on HuluPlus...I had to take a break midway into season 3...wayyyy too many dumb people an drama. Wayyy too much.

  5. Hilarious. I actually posted something a year or two ago about why I am not cut out for the Amazing Race. My friend and I always talked about trying out for the show, but I am way too high strung and would end up melting down under the pressure. Not to mention, at least one other person on another team would end up getting punched in the face.

  6. Geez, I haven't watched that show in some time...hmmm...
    Found you thru the Meet and Greet Blog Hop. A new follower via GFC. Hope you can stop by my blog as well.

    Anne Marie

  7. My parents always tell me and my older brother that we should try out for the Amazing Race. While we both can get really frustrated with each other, we would push each other as well.

    New follower from the blog hop. Hope you can stop by my blog and follow me back.


  8. You would win the amazing race! LOL!!! You should apply:) I never really watched the show. Should I start now?


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