Sunday, February 13, 2011

Dear Sir or Madam

Dear Gwenstopher,

I know you love to go outside.  You were born outside and you are a true alley cat.  I understand your preference for eating trash over eating out of a bowl.  I "get" your need to eat grass when you go outside.  What I do not "get" is your need throw up on rugs.  We have linoleum for this very purpose.

Did you really find it necessary last night to wolf down your food and then walk into the bedroom to heave?  Really?  You are so good about not biting the hand that feeds you, but how about you don't make that same hand clean up your barf from the rug?  Cuz you know it never really cleans up.  It's just never the same.  I always see the spot.  One word:  LIN.O.LE.UM.  I know it's ugly, we can see here.  It makes me want to barf too.  But at least it makes for easy clean up.


Dear Quilting Stranger Who Knows My Mother,

Thank  you for sharing these ENORMOUS spools of thread with your quilting group.  My mother gave me one the other day.  See the blue spool?  That's a normal size spool of thread, about 200 yards.  This white thing?  I sincerely think it might be hundreds of thousands of yards.  When I sit and think about how many hundreds of things I can make with this thread, my mind explodes.  I heard you have 100 boxes of these spools, that you acquired by accident, and you can't get rid of them.  I am so sorry for you.  I can't even imagine how many spools come in a box.  What a daunting thing this must be!

Thank you for supplying me with enough thread to never feel that I will have to buy white ever again.  In my lifetime.  And it seems pretty decent, to boot!


Dear Sellers of Pants,

Recently, it has come to my attention, that you think I am made of money.  Pants are not a thing I enjoy buying, so I do it as little as possible.  But sometimes, they wear out or are not so fashionable, and I have to do it again.  Often, if I find a pair I like, I will buy it in more than one color, so I have options.  And with amazing clairvoyance, I buy them at that time so they don't go up in price.  Apparently, I have not bought pants in the past decade or so.  When a high price for pants was like $39.99 but you could get them on sale for two for something reasonable.  Or maybe I've been buying them at Marshall's and TJMaxx and the Bass Outlet.

Whatever the story is, I find it highly offensive that just when I find the right pants, you think you can charge $70. And stand there with  a straight face when you tell me.  You let me go into Ann Taylor Loft, find these blessed pants called Julie, buy them at a crazy reduced price because it was the end of the season, and lull me into thinking I can do this all the time.  I was OK with hemming them.  For a reasonable price, I will suck it up and hem them myself.  And then I will find them all the time at your little store.  Yeah.  Right.

You send me these coupons online like 100 times a day, so I finally went to the site to see if  I could find Miss Julie in some other colors and lo and behold, there she was. For just $29.99 plus some crazy amount off of that.  SIGN. ME. UP.  Oh, only size 00 is available.  BITCH.  I am small, but really, that's just disgusting.  00?  That's not even a size.  And Julie is for those of us that have butts and are curvy.  No straight legs for us.  You can't tell me that ANYONE who wears a 00 has a curve or a butt.  Really.  You sicken me on many levels.  And now I have to go naked. 

Curvily and nakedly,

Dear Ladies at the Gym,

I praise you for getting to the gym.  Every time you come.  I really do.  I know how hard it is to summon the strength to go some days.  Though I have gone for more years than I can count, I have never been fat or out of shape and I have been an instructor for a decade, that does not mean I have some special inner power that makes me love working out.  Many a day I sit at the light when I leave school and have to literally FORCE myself to turn right and get to the gym instead of turning left and going home to sit on the couch.  Seriously.  I know you think instructors are the almighty.  That we have a special gene in us that loves to sweat and workout.  I know you think that fit people were just born this way  and we can't get fat.

Here's a little secret ladies.  If there is a special gene or a golden ticket, I didn't get it.  I love being done with a workout, but I don't love the anticipation.  Yes, it makes me feel good at the end.  Yes, I love fitting into clothes.  Yes, I love being able to do things and not be out of breath.  But you see, the more you do, the more you must continue to do.  Fitness begets fitness.  It's a sickness, sometimes, I am certain.

In any case, I have some bones to pick with you.

First of all, when I demonstrate something for you to do, I seriously expect you to do it.  Standing there snickering, when the rest of the class is doing what I've suggested is really not going to help you get fit, is it?  Grumbling just makes me think you should do a few more reps.  It's what makes me know you are alive!  We are not quitters.  All of your "ugh" and "oh no" just adds more reps.  This is a good thing!  You came to workout, right?  If not, then go get a manicure and don't take up space in my room.

Second, I know we are all about sanitation in this society we live in and I know we are supposed to clean the apparatus after using it.  But, does it make sense, when someone is huffing and puffing on the stairmaster, to spray cleaner right under her nose so you can go wipe down whatever you were using?  And do the faces I make not tell you that I don't like it?  Take the stupid bottle with you and spray the papertowel right there, not under my nose, please!

Third, when I tell you to get " a good, decent size weight, not BLUE (5 pounds)", why do you come in with 3 pound weights?  When you've been coming to the gym for years, and I know how strong you are, what are you doing with those little things?  Isn't the reason you come to the gym so you can challenge your body?  Do you think I won't notice?  Get the 8, 10, 12 pound weights and work, dammit!!

Finally, stretching is not there to take up time so I can finish the class doing something.  Stretching is the most important thing you can do.  When you sit and complain that you just don't have that flexibility anymore, it's because you don't stretch.  Don't you understand that when you continue to build muscle but then never stretch it out, all it does it get all bunched and tight and then things hurt?  Keeping limber is essential as you age and nothing aggravates me more than all of you 50 year olds who think stretch time is the time to put your equipment away.  You're only fooling yourself, not me.  Don't come complaining to me when you snap your achilles because you never stretch.

Thanks for seeing the light,

Dear Spirits Surrounding My Need For A Greenhouse,

You made me make this decision back in October.  You let me think that I would really like a greenhouse and be able to greatly increase my capacity to grow things.  You let me spend a lot of money to buy this super wonderful greenhouse that any idiot can install.

Then you let the dummies in shipping neglect 3 of the most major parts.  You laughed as we wasted many a beautiful Saturday in the fall, waiting for the parts to come.  You had a laugh riot when even one more part was missing and yet another beautiful afternoon was spent not working on it.

When k-ster had his foot surgery and the greenhouse was only a naked frame, you had a good old fashioned guffaw, watching the snow pile in the jungle gym of a greenhouse.

It's now February.  A month which can have an occasional day over 40 degrees and make those of us in new England think it's time for bathing suits.  Like last Sunday, for instance.  You know k-ster is just about back to walking like a normal person, so you tempted us yesterday.  You let us think it might be another 40 degree day and that we might make some progress.

The laugh was on us once again when you made the wind come whipping in and we realized it was not a good time to work on it.  Too windy and cold and too many variables would make for some bad decisions and this is the time we need to make no mistakes.  It's time for the poly carbonate ends and it takes skill to cut them properly.

So, EFF YOU, greenhouse spirits.  You know how much I want it finished, so I can see just what the warmth factor is.  So I can start to plan my spring plantings.  So I can get on with it.  So people will stop asking if that greenhouse is done yet.  It's like the project that will never end. 

You better be really worth it in the end, you 14 x 16 foot bugger.

Itching to plant,


  1. Wow that's a lot of thread. I keep thinking to myself, wow, McGuyver would have a holiday with all that thread. He'd probably make something really cool with it. Like a greenhouse. Where a cat could puke in peace w/o ruining anyone's rug.

  2. I would love to know why someone needs a spool of thread that big. Seriously? There aren't enough quilts in the world for all that thread.


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