Sunday, October 14, 2012

Ten Reasons Why I Do Not Belong In Space

In a tribute to  that crazy man Felix Baumgartner, the guy who took a balloon to the edge of space and free fell today, here are 10 reasons that I know I am not suited for space travel.

1.  First and foremost, I'm pretty sure my bladder is roughly the size of a baby aspirin, evidenced by my fervent need to go to the bathroom all.the.time.  This is compounded by my consumption of water, NOT that I need to be on a bladder medication.  I know that if I went into space, I could not stop my addiction to liquids and therefore, I would create way too much human waste in space.  "where's astronaut Sparkling?" they'd always be asking. 

2.  Sometimes, when I'm cleaning or doing laundry and I know no one is looking, I dance and/or sing.  Like a lunatic.  NASA would tire of watching these antics as I cleaned the space station and the other astronauts would probably not appreciate it either.

3.  I am way too flexible on earth, as it is.  With zero gravity, I would spend my days contorting myself in my own personal Cirque du Soleil.  The other astronauts would quickly tire of my "hey guys, look where my leg is NOW" games.

4.  I need fresh air.  All.the.time.  The idea of breathing space air and recycled air and whatever other air they breathe up there is enough to make my heart speed up right now, when I'm breathing earth air.  I need to be able to open the window, take a walk, enjoy the outside. 

5.  In a follow up to #5, can you imagine the smells?  I assume the space station has a smell of its own anyway, just like every building does.  It's probably very formeldahyde/plastic smelling.   But add in humans.  And their space food.  And their bathroom habits.  And their human functions.  I am just gagging at the very thought it of it.

6.  I like to sleep.  Not all day, of course, but when it's bedtime, I like to sleep on a comfortable bed, for the whole night, uniterrupted.  Except when I interrupt myself to go the bathroom.  See reason #1.  I do not want to strap myself in so I don't float off.  I don't want to have the background noise of NASA watching me all the time (you know there's some kind of noise even when they aren't talking).  And something tells me that the space station doesn't have private, sound proof rooms for each astronaut up there.  I'd never get any sleep.  And then I'd be cranky.

7.  I have a serious fear of falling.  Not falling from a horse, because I can't seem to stay away from those.  Falling from space.  That's a pretty serious fall.  I have trouble when I'm driving and I go down a hill faster than I was expecting.  My stomach falls right out.  Swinging on a swing is fine until it starts to go too fast. Speed and downhill are two things I try to stay away from .  You should see me ski.  I should have hazard lights so people know to just go around me.  

8.  Along with reason #7, I do not like to spin.  Spinning is worse than falling, in my mind.  I clearly have some kind of inner ear thing.  Something tells me the spinning and hurtling through space would kill me out of fright. 

9.  Those bulky suits for space walks must be really uncomfortable.  And worrying that when you're out walking, you could just plummet off the station can't be too reassuring either.  I'd be walking on the edge of some beam and get distracted by space dust and the next thing you know= whoosh, I'd be bouncing around space in that damned white suit.

10.  After you're in space, what's left to do?  Isn't is a real downer to return to earth?

Linking up here.  These people are hysterical.  You have to go read some of these links!


  1. Fear of heights sista, there is no way I could look out the spaceship window and see earth getting further and further away...can you say panic attack!!

    You make a pretty good argument yourself! Just for the record, my bladder is about the same size yours is!

  2. Yeah, when the price of private space travel drops 9.9 million dollars into a reasonable range, I would suggest you still do not buy a ticket, even if all the cool kids are doing it. For the record, I won't be going to space either, but only because I'd be too afraid of never making it back to earth.

  3. See, I think the smell encapsulated in a small space is enough to make me gag. that is what I call the world's largest dutch oven. i hope that they don't serve beans in there.

  4. Sounds like it's best to just stay earth-bound for now ;) Snorting over #2--very good reason!


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