Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'll Wear Out Your Britches!

Don't you love it when you are having a wardrobe malfunction and it's like noon and you can't believe it's been like that all day?  You wonder if anyone else knows and then you walk around assuming EVERYONE else knows.

How about when you are almost having a wardrobe malfunction and you have to pray for the rest of the day that you won't end up with a hole the size of Mt. Vesuvius?

Being a teacher is like being on live tv.  You have 20 cameras focused on you, when they bother to focus on the speaker and not themselves, and they do nothing but scrutinize your every move, your every wardrobe decision and they relish when they can find any flaws.  Don't you remember doing that too?

I've only had one real wardrobe malfunction in my career and that was a zipper that exploded apart.  I luckily had a safety pin and a long enough shirt.  Other than that, if I've had one, I haven't noticed.

In the first picture, you are looking from the inside out.  I was going to the bathroom and happened to look down and was like "ummm, why am I seeing the floor through my pants???" (no, I do not carry a camera to the bathroom.  This was done when I got home and had to look again to see if the holes had gone through completely.

Thankfully, I made it through the day before they ripped right through.

The second picture shows how they were just worn right through in the upper thigh area.

How this happens is a mystery.  I have pretty muscular inner thighs, more so since I started riding, but I don't think they rub together when I walk.  Like, I can wear corduroys and I've never noticed the swish sound they make when your thighs are too fat.  These capris are not that old and I wear them often, but not THAT often.  Nowhere else on the fabric is it worn  like this.  Yes, they are thin linen and they were probably cheap.  But I'm not wearing them to powerwalk the mall, I wear them to school.  I walk around a lot, but this is ridiculous.

It got me thinking maybe I have some others like this, just two threads away from showing the whole world my underwear, so I had to go look.  Indeed, some of my pants do have some wear in the inner thigh.  But not all.  And none as dramatic as this.   So WHAT does this mean?  Other than I now have to throw away one of my favorite pair of capris.

I have another pair that I got at Express circa 1995 and they do deserve to meet their maker any time soon.  I know this, but I hold my breath.  For about 3 years, I've worn them knowing that at any moment, the entire pair could just burst off of my body onto the floor.  I love them.  They are khaki and go with everything.  I wore them in Belgium, France, Canada.  I just can't part with them.  But every time I put them on, I think that this may be the last time I am considered "decent" in the public eye because I can feel that they are just about to croak.

Maybe one more summer.

Being "decent" in town hasn't gotten me anywhere yet, anyway.


  1. So the first time I bought expensive jeans and I took them off about a month after I got them and noticed a HUGE hole in the ass. LIKE HUGE! GAPING! I have zero clue when that happened. Luckily I telecommute, but I was definitely out and about and have no idea how many people saw my oh-so-adorable blue penguin underwear.

  2. I hate throwing out comfy clothes just because they're indecent/ruined!! I'm so glad you've only had one wardrobe malfunction in your career :) All I've had so far are stains!

  3. Whatever you do, DON'T go commando!


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