Thursday, June 30, 2011

How Do You Know If Your Butt Is Swollen

Seriously, you've never asked yourself that question?

Oh, why would you?

I fell off Tucker today, not because I was dumb or because he was misbehaving or because r-ster said
'trot right over that jump' and he jumped.  No, I fell off because the neighbor's dog came racing out of the woods like a ninja and scared the shit out of both of us.

And according to r-ster, I "almost" stayed on. 

Well, try telling my butt that it should only "almost" hurt.

I fell on my left butt cheek and I am quite certain it's swollen.  Because the other times I've fallen on one butt cheek or the other, I seem to alternate, it has hurt deep inside, but when I've walked, it hasn't felt swollen.

So, I came home and examined myself in the mirror.  Interesting results.  a) I have scratch in the area where I fell.  It might be an abrasion because I know nothing poked me and my pants didn't rip. It must be the result of my weight falling onto my very bony butt.  b)  I have what looks like a bruise starting, but it's so hard to see because it's right where the butt bone is and I am flexible but I can't really see no matter how I bend.  It's not something I want to run over and ask my mother if she can check for me.  c)  When I walk, it feels like I have an orange back there as I walk.  I know, you're like "an orange?  WTF?"  You know that game where you pass the orange from under your chin to the person next to you under their chin and you can't use your hands?  Do you know how that feels? 

That's what it feels like back there.  Like someone said "Hey, I  bet you can't carry this orange between your butt cheek and hamstring" and I was like "k-ster, GET ME AN ORANGE".

I seriously think it's swollen. 

But it's so hard to sit on an ice pack.  I've tried each time I've fallen.  And laying on my opposite side with the ice pack on top doesn't work well either.  I end up freezing nothing even close to the right place.

Because though I have some cushion on it (ask any pair of pants I own and I have issues with fitted pants), my butt is somehow very bony.  My mother used to hate it if I had to sit on her lap because she said my butt bones dug into her legs.  K-ster has told me if I sit on his leg a certain way that it's like I'm digging my bone right through his leg.  Poor Tucker must really hate my butt bones because they say the horse can feel them through the saddle. 

So, I have little hope of relieving the pain in my bony butt cheek. 

If you're an regular reader, you will know this is the 3rd time I've fallen in about a month and you are probably questioning my sanity.  Only one of these falls was my fault and that was communication.  Today's was the ninja dog's fault and the last time, Tucker just fell on his knees and I rolled off.  You probably think it's time for me to give this whole thing up. 

But I really do like it.  It's so much fun when I know I've done something right.

But it's not so much fun when I hurt my butt.  Did I mention that my butt hurts?

And that I bit the end of my tongue and that hurts too?  It feels like when you drink hot beverages too soon and you burn your tongue. 

I suppose this makes up for the very non dangerous life I've lived.  I wasn't a daredevil growing up.  My activities did not usually bear the risk of breaking my neck.  I am not much of a physical risk taker.  I didn't ski until I was 25.  I didn't start riding a horse until I was 34. 

Interesting, one death defying new activty per decade. 

I wonder which one I will start when I'm in my 40s. 

I hear lion taming isn't so hard.


  1. Use a bag of peas. Lay on your side and hold it against your butt.

    Ummm, not that I've ever bruised my butt before.

  2. i SO seriously want to bring you an orange and ask you if you'll carry it under your butt cheek for me. and, i don't even want to know what kind of damage can be done to your butt with a LION.

    i'm so sorry you're hurt; and i'm glad it wasn't worse; but, this whole post has me ROLLING.

  3. OUCH!!! I fall all the time now because the right side is paralyzed and the left side isn't and sometimes the brain and the sides refuse to communicate. I bounce pretty well because I have a lot of extra padding back there. :)


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