Saturday, December 1, 2012

Finding My Inner Twisted Sister

Until Dee Snyder was on The Apprentice last year, I had no idea who Twisted Sister was or who he was or what they sang.  I've never been a fan of "that screechy music" as my mother calls it.  I wasn't into any kind of hard rock or heavy  metal in high school. 

My hair wasn't big enough.

It's amazing, though, how much music from that era I actually know.  I hardly listened to the radio then either.  I was too busy listening to and making mixed tapes and singing along with Amy Grant and Sandy Patti.  Not at the same time though.  And not in person.

Well, once, I did meet Amy Grant in person.  When I was at Vanderbilt, she came to the Blair School of Music to do a talk and I got to sit on stage with her.  Sadly, it wasn't because I was asked to sing with her (I'd been practicing for years!) but because there was no more room in the audience and they had to put folding chairs on stage.

I was pretty underwhelmed by her presentation.  I think she was going through a "phase" in her life, so she was kind of down.  She lamented her poor, easily influenced teen self and how the Christian music world try to make her something she wasn't and cry me a river, blah, blah, blah.  I think it also might have been when she was first interested in Vince Gill and possibly had been or was getting divorced.  I just went because it was Amy Grant and I thought she'd be great.  I don't even think she sang.

Anyway, when Dee Snyder was on the apprentice for the first time, it was for a 7UP spot they were doing.  Remember that?   He wasn't a contestant yet.  Someone had called him to do a favor.  

And he wore something like these.

Which made me instantly lose respect for him because I do not like men in tights, long hair or make up.  Three strikes and he was out.  Though I did enjoy him later as a contestant, even when he broke his finger riding a horse and had to actually have surgery.

Fast forward to last week when I was at Kmart, looking for high quality fashion.  All I wanted was a plain black, long sleeve, v-neck shirt that I could wear under something.  I found it for $6.98 plus 40% off.  I almost put handcuffs on myself because I was sure I was stealing it.

I should have left then, but I remembered I wanted to get some different underwear.  Yep, it's that time again.  Wearing it out like it's my job.  And I recently read somewhere that although we all dread the "high cut" underwear because they are really just granny panties with a little less leg, they are good to wear under sweater dresses because they go higher up on your waist and don't "bite in" and cause indentations in the profile.

I already knew this would be a lost cause because some underwear on me that isn't supposed to be high waisted already comes up to my ribs, so high waisted would surely come up somewhere near my collar bone.  But I found a couple of pair and brough them home.

I forgot to smell them.

I know, how gross, right?  Why would I need to smell unworn underwear and what would the smell tell me, anyway?  To make this long story (about my inner Twisted Sister, remember?) even longer, I have a severe olfactory malfuction and smells just kill me.  Like the simplest smell can make me want to stuff cotton up my nose for the rest of my life.  I've probably mentioned it a time or two.

A few years ago, my mother bought THE AMAZING GENIE BRAS or maybe it was the AHHHH BRAS and didn't like them, so she offered them to me and my sister e-ster.  They turned out to be ridiculous and now you can get them at CVS and not pay shipping, but whatever.  They are much smaller than they claim and they don't appear to be able to do the wonders that they claim on tv.

And worst of all?  They STUNK like burning rubber because they had a lot of nylon in them.  I'm sure you, of the normal olfactory systems, have no idea that your clothing might have that burning rubber smell, but I've had to smell it since the black corduory skirt in elementary school that smelled so much like burning rubber, I had to stop wearing it.  Even after I had sprayed it with Lysol and some other better smelling thing.  Good thing no one lit a match near me.

I have found that terrible smell on a few other clothes, usually dark colors, and have had to avoid them at all cost.

Cue the Genie/Ahh bra.  The black one was the worst, but even the white and beige stunk.  I washed them.  I hung them out for days in the sun.  Nothing worked so off they went to some unsuspecting sniffer.

So, you can see where this is going in relation to the underwear.  It didn't even occur to me that they might be full of nylon stink but alas, they were.  I washed them and dried them in the drier with lavender.  No way jose.  I couldn't even put them on long enough to see if they didn't "bite in".  And because they had been washed, they already had a little bit of a pilled look, so I felt like I couldn't give them to Good Will because no one would believe they were not worn.  Plus, you shouldn't have to smell like burning rubber just because you bought your underwear at the Good Will.

So, back to the aforementioned leggings.  As I carried my black super steal shirt and the reeking underwear (I didn't notice in the store because every piece of clothing reeks of the formaldehyde they put on the clothes, so my brain can't decide what smell is worse) I came upon the Route 66 collection.  I have bought a few of these clothes in the past and if they are cotton, they turn out to be pretty decent and last for a long time.  I fell in love with a sweater dress but I seem to be collecting those like it's what I was born to do, so I didn't buy it.  And then I turned the corner and saw these babies.

I know you just saw that but it was like 10 minutes ago and I'm sure you have forgotten whether this post is about underwear, bras, Dee Snyder, The Apprentice, Amy Grant, my nose or leggings.

It's actually evidence of the state of my mental capacities, but that's another story for another day. 

So, I've been on a quest to find leggings other than black.  I have several black pair and a grey pair and recently, a cream pair that I might have to burn because they made me really uncomfortable.  And when I saw these, I had to jump on them right away. 

I thought they'd look awesome with this long, a-line turtleneck that I usually wear with grey leggings and a bright scarf.

And if they were too wild and insane, I'd wear my black boots, so only about 10 inches of the wildness would show.  But if I was feeling really daring, I could wear them with flats and I'd look like a zebra.

You know how leggings are usually super stretchy?

These were a grave disappointment.  They were not super stretchy.  And this got in the way and they didn't come up over my hips.  Strange because I was sure they were from the JLo collection and she has a couple of hips, herself, so I was sure that wouldn't be an issue!

I was pretty disappointed and I had already washed them, so I couldn't take them back.  Now I can't decide if I should pay another whole $8 and get myself a larger or pair or just forget about it.  They are kind of wild and not me.  But I kind of like that about them.

I guess I'll have to find another way to express my inner Dee. 

I hope it's not with bleach blonde hair. 

Or lots of screaming.

Linking up here, here,
and here :        

1 comment:

  1. Girl, you could pull it off. I am not sure I would have been brave enough!! xo


I love comments almost as much as I love summer. I reply to all comments except those ridiculous anonymous comments offering me dirty deeds and real estate. When you leave your comment, please make sure your own settings will allow me to reply to you. Nothing makes me sadder than replying to your comments and then realizing it’s going to the no-reply@blogger address!