Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Spoiled Brats Today Know Nothing of the Torture of Jeans

Remember when jeans had just graduated from dungarees to jeans?  And they were really stiff and tight?  Ok, I don't remember this because by the time I came on the scene, jeans were not just something Uncle Fester wore to feed the hogs.  But I have seen old pictures of jeans before the hippies got ahold of them and they sure look like they were stiff and tight.  Jeans, not hippies.

You must remember the commercials for some brand where the women were laying on their beds, jamming their bodies into jeans?  Jumping up and down trying desperately to get into their Calvins.  Oh I guess it must have been Calvin Klein.  Was there a phrase- nobody gets between me and my Calvins?  Did I just combine 3 slogans and make my own?

Of course back then, jeans went up to the collarbone.  I know because I wore them.  All the time.  And because I was short (and I still am) they sometimes touched my earlobes.  Remember the zippers?  They were like 10 inches long!

But they were jeans and I always knew what I was getting into when I put them on.  They were stiff.   They were tight.  Especially if they had just come out of the dryer.  It was a wonder that zipper could even move.

Once you were in, you were in for the long haul.  It was the 1980s and 1990s version of the corset.  Except you didn't need ladies in waiting to put you into them.  And I don't think anyone fainted while wearing them because they were so restricting.

Then you had to do the deep knee bends and squats to "stretch them out" and by about noon, they were perfect.  By supper time, they were the best things you'd ever put on your body.  And that's why we kept wearing them.

We wore them acid washed.

We wore them ripped.  Hey wait, we're doing that again.

I am proud to say that I earned these holes, I didn't buy them already shredded.  I'm wearing these babies until there is one thread left.

We thankfully did not wear them bellbottomed- phew I just missed that one.

And then we started wearing them lower.  And lower.  And lower.  And I did handsprings because I could actually enjoy them below my belly button.  Then they got so low it was obscene so I drew the line about 1/2 inche below my belly button.   I do have some dignity.  You just don't see a lot of it on my blog.

And then they started adding stretch to jeans.  Not just to plus size jeans or mom jeans.  But everyone's jeans. 

And then it happened.  Jeggings entered stage right 

And the dreaded pajama jeans.

And then jeans lost their structure all together.  They stretch this way and that.  No one has to lay on their bed to zip them up.  No one holds their breath anymore.  There's no longer the internal debate about whether or not you really want to go through all that effort just to get dressed.

And I'm a little sad.

I have one pair of real jeans left.  All of my replacement jeans have some give.  They are forgiving.  They don't leave the creases in my thighs that the real jeans used to.

Today's girls have no idea.  They think they can just jump  around, dance, do high kicks while they are wearing jeans, just like they were wearing tights.  Because really, that's all they are.  Just jazzed up tights with some pockets and some rivets that don't really do anything that rivets are meant to do.  These pockets are real.  They have long internal pockets for storing things.  And those rivets actually hold the pockets to the jeans.  See all that structure in those jeans?

I take people seriously in real jeans.  If you show up to do physical work, I expect you to wear jeans that can take a licking.  I don't expect that if you walk by a thorny bush you'll get a run in your jeans.  I would never take a man seriously if his jeans were like women's jeans are today. 

Maybe we can blame this on figure skaters.  When men wear "jeans" to do a figure skating competition, they still have to be able to do crazy leg things, so they need stretch.  I bet that's where they all originated.

I still want my plumber wearing manly jeans, not figure skating body huggers.   When I wear jeans to do something manly, I expect them to last like manly jeans.  And I expect yours to last too.

And I'm a little jealous of these girls.  They don't know a moment of discomfort.  As much as I loved my old jeans, if you sat just the right way, they weren't very comfortable.

They have never had that jeans dried on the line washboard experience.  They will never know the horror of  OMG these jeans MUST have shrunk in the dryer because I can't get them past my knees.

And they will be inclined to just break out into positions like this, just because they can.  There will be no decency left for these girls.

Because back in my day, this was as far as those puppies would let us go.  And that was pushing it. 

Given the tattered state of these jeans, I'm actually quite surprised they didn't just burst apart as I did this.

And I did not wet my pants.  I have no idea why it's darker at the zipper.  In real life, it is not, I'm wearing them now and I just checked.

I have no choice but to join the comfortable jeans movement, unless I want to go to mens' jeans.  They are still pretty tight and structured but I did that for a while and didn't like the results.

Just don't make me wear jeggings or pajama jeans and I'll be able to handle it.

And a moment's notice, I'll be able to squat or lunge or put my legs behind my head or.....

Linking here and here before I hurt myself.


  1. Thanks for the laughs. Acid wash - haha!

  2. As a dancer/dance teacher I had to check out the chick in the split. As a jeans whore I loved this post. I hate men in skinny jeans. I am a small girl and I should not be able to fit in any dude's jeans. I hate that jeans fit in the store, but after you wear them for an hour, you can pull them down to pee without even UNZIPPING!

    I'm Keesha from Mom's New Stage, one of the new hosts at Finding the Funny! Thanks so much for linking up!

    1. I love the title of your blog and I'm fascinated with dancers who actually bear children since most young girls are brainwashed to believe that they will dance for their entire lives and nothing else could ever be more important! I did the whole ballet thing for years and knew I was not built to be a ballerina but no one ever told me there was other stuff I could do with it, so I just did it for fun. Then I was a cheerleader and became a fitness instructor, so it all works!

      Jeans have got to be one of the meanest things to buy because what they feel like in the fitting room is never how they will really turn out. I've cast aside so many jeans in a store because I thought they were awful and then wonder later if I had just worn them for a little while, would they have worked out? Of course now, I can just wear them like tights and never worry that they won't fit. Sooooo sad.......

  3. Okay, I was totally going to buy a pair of pajama jeans just for the kick of it. So glad I didn't. I am mighty impressed with your split skills. I don't think I could get halfway down with jeans on! I love jeans though and wear them 24/7

  4. I wore those jeans you had to lay on the bed to put on and do squats to walk. I'm going with the modern day version as the better option.
    Super impressed you can do the splits!
    Thanks for linking up with Finding the Funny!

  5. Can you believe men are wearing "ex-girlfriend jeans" these days, you should look it up, ridiculous! I'm a little embarrassed to admit, after all these years I finally jumped on the "skinny jean" band wagon, and it's not bad! :) Danica

    1. I'm ok with skinny jeans for women. Not for men. NO WAY.

  6. I couldn't even do a split when I was 10. Impressive!
    Buying jeans is such a pain. I think they fit, but with all that stretch, I'm having to pull them back up all the live-long day. Or have my crack show. Neither is attractive.

    1. I think jeans makers need to read my blog because a lot of people talk about the over stretchiness of jeans. They have to drag them up all day long. I notice that with kids at school too.


I love comments almost as much as I love summer. I reply to all comments except those ridiculous anonymous comments offering me dirty deeds and real estate. When you leave your comment, please make sure your own settings will allow me to reply to you. Nothing makes me sadder than replying to your comments and then realizing it’s going to the no-reply@blogger address!