Let Me Introduce You To A Pumpkin

It's official:  fall isn't even here yet and the obsession with the pumpkin is in full force.  I see them everywhere.  I hear about doing this, that and the other thing with your fall pumpkins.

I think Americans are a little over obsessed with pumpkins.  Not many other countries make such a big deal about them and put them out for fall decor like we do.

It could be that I'm a little bitter that I can't put out the pumpkins I grow because the squirrels come and decimate them in a matter of hours.

And God help me, everything is pumpkin spice flavored.  Drinks, foods, soaps, lotions.  I can't get away from it.

The fake pumpkin spice flavor that is in everything in the fall is one of the most offensive smells on earth.  It's probably the cinnamon.  I've developed a serious issue with the smell of cinnamon in the past few years.

Or it could just be the syntheticness of it all. I really can't deal with any smells that are manmade.

Now, some of you might not realize this, so I'm going to tell you a big secret:  pumpkins taste NOTHING like the pumpkin spice flavor.  NOTHING.

Have you ever actually tasted pumpkin?  It's not sweet.  It's not cinnamony.  And it's not something many people just choose to eat because it tastes good as is.

Remember, it's a gourd.  It looks like this when it's growing.

It's not even orange until long after it has reached its size and the vine has died back.

I used to really like pumpkin pie.  And then someone must have overdone it with the spices, so I'm all done.

But even pumpkin pie tastes nothing like actual pumpkin tastes.

And do you know how I know that?  Because one Thanksgiving, my grandmother made a pumpkin pie and forgot to add all of the spices and all of that crazy amount of sugar we put in to make it taste like "pumkpin pie".

It was the most shocking pumpkin pie we ever ate.  A table full of people ready for dessert, with a mouthful of something that looked like pumpkin pie but definitely wasn't.  All trying to decide what to do with that mouthful.

Because pumpkins are vegetables.  It was like vegetable pie, but for dessert.  Like a getting a spanking when you thought you were getting a puppy.

I've read lots of recipes for using pumpkins as a main dish, so one year, I bought a pumpkin and brought it home.  I scooped it all out and I must have steamed it so that the flesh was cooked enough to scoop it from the center.  I forget, exactly.  I used some of it with the rice and I forget what else that I was supposed to stuff it with.   And then I put it all back into the pumpkin to finish cooking it.

It was so cool when it came out and we ate right out of the pumpkin.  Until we tried it.  The most bland, blah, yucky thing I might ever have made.  We threw it out.  Nothing could jazz it up. 

I bet even the raccoons wouldn't touch it that night.

I know my sister a-ster is getting all defensive because she cooks pumpkin and does something that she says tastes good with it but I'm all set.

So, the next time you get a pumpkin spice item, think about what you just read.  It's all FAKE, FAKITY FAKE FAKE.

Don't believe me?  Go look at how much sugar you are supposed to add to a pumpkin pie.  See?

When you're making jack-o-lanterns, keep some of what you cut out and cook it up.  You'll see what I mean.

And please, extinguish all pumpkin spice materials long before you get near me or you might have to listen to this rant out loud.  And you can't just close the laptop to shut me up if I'm there in person.

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