What An Infomercial Can Teach You

When I first bought my Dyson vacuum, I was going to fall magically in love, like they promised.  I thought I would have so much suction, I'd be vacuuming up the remains of my ancestors from these floors.  I was certain my dirt cellar would pull right up through the main floor because the suction would be so great.

I was also sure that I would LOVe the ball that allows you to twist and turn this thing all over the place.

But I quickly learned that I didn't love it.  The suction was fine, but it was a hazardous machine.  I gave myself a bloodblister.  I thought it was very ergonomically inappropriate.  All of that freedom in the handle allows you to really make your wrists turn in weird ways and it hurts.

Then I caught my first glimpse of the Dyson infomercial and learned that it's actually easier to carry it like this.  Ok, so it became a little less of a danger to carry it, but I still wasnt' in love with it.

And then I recently saw my second glimpse of the infomercial.  And I learned that I dont't have to do this anymore when I want to use the crevice tool or fabric brush.

I had no idea the pole can come out and you can just connect the tools here at the end and have a totally flexible end!  You just push the little but that you see by my hand and the rod comes out and then you can stick the tools on right there.

So much more user friendly!  I used to literally hold my elbow up really high so I could hold that rod at the right angle so I could vacuum the couch or whatever and I it really bothered me.  I thought maybe the Dyson had a height requirement!

But, no matter how much I learn to like the Dyson, this is Gwenstopher's reaction EVERY time.  They haven't shown how to not scare cats during the infomercial.

Why I Can't Go INto Politics

This is exactly why I can't go into politics.  I would be just like Rick Perry and say stupid , stupid things like this and then try to laugh it off.  What an idiot!

Feel Good Friday

It's a quick one this week~!

5.  My students were VERY excited to get their penpals' names this week and went right to work on their letters.  It makes it all so much more REAL!  I get excited too.  Mainly because it proves that I don't sit around make this shit up.  People really do speak French!  In France!  And they don't all live in Paris!

4.  I ran on Monday and my ankle didn't explode, so I guess I will keep at it. 

3.  I sold several pony hats this week, and I'm getting really fast at making them!

2.  I finally found some underwear that is comfortable and comes in normal colors (not black) and they made me pretty happy this week!  Especially on day 6!

1.  I actually SLEPT WELL this week, after we turned back the clocks.  And I didn't have to drag my butt out of bed at 6:30 because the sun was actually out and it wasn't so gloomy.  4:45 sunsets on the other hand....  We can talk about that later.

That's it , sports fans.  It's slim pickings for earth shattering feel good moments around here lately.  The weather is turning, the leaves have all fallen, the darkness approacheth and I'm just trying to stay away from the winter doldrums!!

Sit Back And Have A Rest

You can all rest easy.  I've found some new underwear and I've discovered a secret.  Which do you want first?  Ok, the secret.

I dont' love my schedule at school this year.   That's not my secret.  I would scream it from the mountaintops, but, well, we dont' have mountains here.  Plus, it would be ONE MORE THING I have to add to my list  and really, there isn't any room for more.  In fact, I grow to dislike another piece of this schedule, daily.

I most particularly hate day 6.  Remember, we are on a 6 day rotation.  Thank GOD for the 6 day rotation, is all I have to say.  I sincerely LOVE the rotating aspect.  Like every Monday isn't really a Monday.  Some weeks that is great, some weeks, it's an awful way to start.  But the good news is that the following Monday won't be the same!  And the better news is that day 6 only comes once in a while.

And I love that when we have a holiday, we dont' lose a day.  We just start with the next day whenever we are in school again.  Phew.  No more trying to keep everyone at the same pace so one class gets to do something different lest they get ahead and then I can't remember who did what when.

But day six is just a 6 show day.  One show after another, every 45 minutes, 6 times with a 30 minute lunch in between. 

Underpaid actress.  That's what I am. 

And if 6 periods isn't enough, how about the fact that I teach 7th, then 8th, then back to 7th, then lunch, then a 6th grade non language class, then 6th grade language and then 7th ?

Oh, and those 3 7th grades?  Well, the first and last are doing the same thing but the one in the middle has to do what I did with everyone else on day 5 because I don't see them on day 5.  So when I was on a ROLL on day 5 with all of the other 7th grades, I now have to harken back to what made it so magical and try to recreate that magic with that one 7th grade class. 

Because you see, in 7th and 8th grade, I see everyone 5 out of the 6 days.  Math problem, anyone?   Yeah.  Go look in the dictionary.  THAT is the definition of fun.  Or insanity. You decide.

After having a near breakdown on the evening of day 6 a few cycles back, I decided something has to be done differently on day 6 or I will not make it through the year.  Or someone else might not make it through the year.

And I found the secret.  Wear comfortable underwear.  I swear that's what kept me all shiny and happy all day on the last day 6.  I. SWEAR.

You might recall that  I have some issues with underwear.  I am not ashamed to say it.  I'm not embarrassed to talk about underwear.  I'm not talking about dirty underwear.  I'm not talking about thongs.  I'm just talking about underwear that covers my butt, stays in place and God help me, doesn't end up in tatters in like 2 months.  Really, it's not too much to ask.

$33 and 12 pairs of underwear later, I have found some underwear bliss.  2 of the 12 are excellent.  2 more at the same brand and style and therefore, will be fantastic. 

Then it's off to the packaged Hanes bikinis.  I had to resort to packaged Hanes because I was so unthrilled with the single pairs and the PRICES?  If I didn't think going commando was unhygenic, I'd never by another pair again.  THE PRICES!!  $6 each?  I'm not talking Victoria's Secret!  I'm talking Sears!  $6????  EACH?????

I dont' know much about buying underwear because my mother has always given us underwear for Christmas and until about 1 year ago, they would last forever.  Probably for far longer than any sanitary regulations would suggest, but they would just last and last.  And they would fit and fit.

So, I never really had to fork over the cash.  OMG.   THE CASH.

And the sizes?  I feel sincerely discriminated against because my butt is too small for mediums.  Not a small to be found in some styles.  Not a single thing smaller than a large in many.  Small people have to wear underwear too!!

But after a long hard day of middle school, I can take it all as long as my underwear fits.

I Think I'm Under The Influence of Ruffles

I am a fairly intelligent person.

I am not white trash.

I can distinguish fantasy from reality.

But I cannot tear myself away from some TV shows.  K-ster has banned this one and this one but what he doesn't watch with me, he can't know about, right?    He also hates Dance Moms, another one I have to watch in hiding.

Basically, K-ster would like to ban the entire TLC network from this house.  Because they also bring us Toddlers and Tiaras. 

I cannot tear myself away.   I can just sit there for an entire show, mesmerized.

So, being the fairly intelligent person that I am, I tried to study myself when I watched it the other night.  WHAT IS IT that makes me so fascinated?

Is it the 2 year old who has a cold on pageant day and has been drugged so she feels better?

Is it the 6 year old boy who is "retiring" with this pageant because his father hopes he will be a 4 wheeler racer now?  His mother was BAWLING as he did his "final good bye walk".

Is it the money these parents pay in hopes that one day, their child might win enough money to pay for college?  Don't they realize they could have put all of that money in a savings account and by the time the kid is 18, there will be enough for college?

Is it the $40-$100 per hour that the "coaches" get for trying to wrangle these little girls into doing their routines and prancy walks?

Is it the $200+ that the dresses cost and the fact that they need 2-3 of them, PER SHOW?

Is it the provocative dancing that the little girls do on stage?

Is it the blood curdling screams that come out of these girls as they get pageant ready at the hotel?  As they throw themselves on the floor in tantrums because they are so tired?

No, after considering all of these hypothesis, I have come  to a two part conclusion:  it's the overweight, dumpy mothers behind these toddlers and the scary people in charge of the pageants that make me watch.

I sit and watch these mothers and try to figure out what goes on in their heads.  It's rare that one of these pageant mothers looks like she, herself was pageant material.  They are usually  heavy, tired looking women who dress in sweats and wear little to no make-up or waaaaaayyyyyyy too much makeup.  And they never have their kids under control.

So I wonder.  Were these women who were also in pageants as children?  Were they taught all about bad self image by the age of 5 and spent their lives not eating, binging, dieting, and then just giving up?

Or, did they always wish they could be in pageants but their parents were too mean rational and wouldn't let them, so now it's their chance?

I have to wonder what kind of role model you are for your child if you, yourself don't look like you give 2 shits about how you look.

And there are the fathers.  They always seem like they have no choice and have been handcuffed and dragged there.  They look like they didn't realize just how far things had gone until they go to the show and then reality hits when they see 10 other girls their daughters' age dressed like they are 25.  And that's just not right.

Let me sum up the other half of my conclusion.  The hosts of these pageants.  Where do they find these people?  Do they go to the state penitentiary and wait for the most recent release?  These people are worse than the mothers.  They often are androgenous.  They have cigarette voices, nasty hair and look like they are going to watch a track meet, not host a pageant. 

And their enthusiasm?  over.whelming.

Ok, I've been kind of hard on those of you who like/did/currently put your children through pageants.  It's probably because I grew up in the northeast.   It's not such a big deal around here.  You'll notice the families on Toddlers and Tiaras are always super southern. 

In New England, you won't sweetly entice a child to "get up off the flo-er na-ow so you can win a cra-own....".  People don't talk that nicely around here.  It would be more like "get your goddamned ass of that flo NOW because I said so!  Donchew make me come ova they-a and shove my foot up it!"

And somehow I don't think they'd get the viewership if they filmed in New England.

Pony Up For Pony Hats

I hate wearing winter hats.  I do not look good in those kind of hats that are close to the head. They really make me look like a boy.

Enter PONY HATS!  Set your ponytail FREE!!

Last winter, I found a pattern for what I call pony hats and I tweaked and tweaked until I found what I like. Now at least my ponytail can pop out and look cute and I kind of look like a girl!

I tried selling them on etsy last year, but I think it was too late in the season.  This year, I've put them out there again and I've sold 5 already!  I was making one at a show the other day and a woman asked me to make one in her daughter's school colors, so I did!

They are quick to make, so I don't mind whipping them up by special request.




I made 4 for one woman the other day and I really liked this orange one.  She said burnt orange. It wasn't really that easy to find, but I figured this one that said persimmon is pretty close to what I think of as burnt orange.

 It's fascinating to look at my own hair from this angle and see all of the white hair!  I've refused to color it for all this time and now I figure it's like highlights.  Kind of.  It certainly adds to the variety of colors I have on my head!

You can get them on my etsy.  The link is right over there in the sidebar.

Feel Good Friday

At first, I wasn't really going to bother because I have busy, busy, busy this week, but then I found some pictures on my camera, so I thought I'd do something.

*After a surprise frost one morning this week, everything but the broccoli and swiss chard in my gardens is done.  Kaput.  Ruined.  One single frost!  But, I started some broccoli in my greenhouse and my tomatoes are still ripening in there.  Nothing in the greenhouse was frosted, so other than some kind of unhappy basil, everything in there is moving along.

The plants look practically dead, but the tomatoes are hanging on, trying to ripen.

This silly plant is just exploding with flowers, but I think the bees have gone away, so it's all for nothing.  So sad.

There will be potatoes in here.  I think.

Kind of sad basil.  There are some new leaves and they are fine, but the old leaves have some brown spots because they got pretty cold.

*After destroying all of the technology around me, I am back on track.  Not only did I kill an ipod and then try to enlist k-ster to make it all work again, I also managed to make my phone stop working this week.

I am not a smartphone owner for a lot of reasons, the main one being that I would be online ALL THE TIME.  I have a sliding phone which isn't completely a dumbphone.  It will text and take and send pictures, but it doesn't receive them all that well. And it's supposed to be able to go online but it's like using atari to try to navigate the web.  Not really worth it.

I bought this phone in '09 and already by '10 the sliding mechanism broke and the phone was falling apart.  I am very easy on my phones.  I never carry them with me. I don't wear them on me anywhere.  And I don't really use them all that much.  I thought it was ridiculous that after about 1.5 years, it was ruined.

I called tmobile and they agreed to send me a new phone for free.  They sent me the frame of the phone, with no back because that is supposed to deter people from abusing this process, and I had to take the back off of my broken phone and return it.  Otherwise, I'd be charged for a new phone.

When my new phone arrived, for some reason, there were TWO in the box!!  I remember debating for a very long time whether or not I should send back the second one because I didn't want to be charged.  After a few weeks, I forgot about it and put it away.

I can't tell you how THRILLED I was the other night when I remembered that I had this spare phone!  All I had to do was transfer the sim card and battery and put the back on the new one and PRESTO, I had a new phone!  THRILLED!  K-ster was amazed that I pulled a  brand new phone out of my butt.  Sadly, my pretty hibiscus skin isn't going to transfer to the new one.  I did transfer it the first time I got my new one, but I am starting to think the hibiscus is a curse. The ipod.  The phone.  And my laptop is missing the backspace key.  It just fell off one day and stuck to my finger.

I'm telling you, I am destroying technology left and right.

I'm just thrilled that I'm not going to cave for a smartphone this week.  Because at this point, if I have to buy a new one, I am not going to buy a dumbphone. So now I get to debate it for another 3 months before I go to France.

*I caved and bought the new ipod nano.  The 6th generation.  I've read about and debated about this for about a month.  Many pros and cons.  But I'm really tired of my sister's ipod not lasting for more than about 5 minutes when I use it anywhere but at the gym.

 Isn't this the most ridiculous thing?  It's so small and slippery I live on the edge of droping it at every moment.  And the whole thing is a touch screen, so there is nowhere to hold it.

I got it because I like this whole clip idea.  I figure if it is clipped to me, I'm less likely to stick it anywhere that it will get sweaty and ruined.  But it's so slippery, I'm likely to launch it right into the trash without even trying.  From across the room.  I have GOT to find some kind of rubbery skin to put  on it.

Sadly, I think I will continue to use my sister's ipod at the gym.  When it's plugged into the dock, it behaves just as it should.  And after using an ipod for so long, I am paralyzed when I can't scroll all willy nilly through my music for each song.   In the old days, I would make a CD, I would write every song and the number of minutes on it and then I would play just that one CD.   Then they got a 5 CD player and I could hop around.  Then I got an ipod and learned the beauty of making my own mixes on the spot.

I used the new one today for spin and as I suspected, my sweaty hands and its super nano size weren't really meant for scrolling about.  I am not a fan of the touch screen, part of the reason I shy away from smartphones, and it was cumbersome and awkward for spin.  So, unless I want to make albums like the old days and just set it and let it play, I don't think this is the right ipod for the gym.

But it's going to be butt kicking awesome for my own exercise, mowing, listening to books on tape, etc.

We shouldn't talk about how I thought it was broken because it paused every 2 minutes and the sound was bad.  It was just that I was too DUMB to plug in the headphone all the way.  On the apple site it even has a link to trouble shooting that problem.  And it shows two pictures.  One of a dumbass who didn't plug her headphones in all the way and one with the headphones all snug and tidy.

*They finally got the bells working right at school, so all classes start and end on bells.  It's what, like November?  But at least they work.  The kids were so funny when the first one went off mid day yesterday.  They were so excited.  One girl said she felt older.  I said "Yeah, it's just like on TV!" and she was like "YEAH~!~"  So funny.

*Thank God for my 7th grade.  They keep me so entertained.  I have 4 sections of them, so it's a good thing they are so awesome right now.

*A lady saw my pony hats on etsy and asked me to make 4 of them for her!  I found a yarn I really like while I was making them.  Maybe this will increase my sales a little.  They are easy to make and I was able to bang them right out for her.

OK, that's all the feel good I can come up with.  I have more technology to get my dirty hands on and see what I can ruin.  Go write your own feel good Friday post and come back and tell us where to go!