Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Think I'm Under The Influence of Ruffles

I am a fairly intelligent person.

I am not white trash.

I can distinguish fantasy from reality.

But I cannot tear myself away from some TV shows.  K-ster has banned this one and this one but what he doesn't watch with me, he can't know about, right?    He also hates Dance Moms, another one I have to watch in hiding.

Basically, K-ster would like to ban the entire TLC network from this house.  Because they also bring us Toddlers and Tiaras. 

I cannot tear myself away.   I can just sit there for an entire show, mesmerized.

So, being the fairly intelligent person that I am, I tried to study myself when I watched it the other night.  WHAT IS IT that makes me so fascinated?

Is it the 2 year old who has a cold on pageant day and has been drugged so she feels better?

Is it the 6 year old boy who is "retiring" with this pageant because his father hopes he will be a 4 wheeler racer now?  His mother was BAWLING as he did his "final good bye walk".

Is it the money these parents pay in hopes that one day, their child might win enough money to pay for college?  Don't they realize they could have put all of that money in a savings account and by the time the kid is 18, there will be enough for college?

Is it the $40-$100 per hour that the "coaches" get for trying to wrangle these little girls into doing their routines and prancy walks?

Is it the $200+ that the dresses cost and the fact that they need 2-3 of them, PER SHOW?

Is it the provocative dancing that the little girls do on stage?

Is it the blood curdling screams that come out of these girls as they get pageant ready at the hotel?  As they throw themselves on the floor in tantrums because they are so tired?

No, after considering all of these hypothesis, I have come  to a two part conclusion:  it's the overweight, dumpy mothers behind these toddlers and the scary people in charge of the pageants that make me watch.

I sit and watch these mothers and try to figure out what goes on in their heads.  It's rare that one of these pageant mothers looks like she, herself was pageant material.  They are usually  heavy, tired looking women who dress in sweats and wear little to no make-up or waaaaaayyyyyyy too much makeup.  And they never have their kids under control.

So I wonder.  Were these women who were also in pageants as children?  Were they taught all about bad self image by the age of 5 and spent their lives not eating, binging, dieting, and then just giving up?

Or, did they always wish they could be in pageants but their parents were too mean rational and wouldn't let them, so now it's their chance?

I have to wonder what kind of role model you are for your child if you, yourself don't look like you give 2 shits about how you look.

And there are the fathers.  They always seem like they have no choice and have been handcuffed and dragged there.  They look like they didn't realize just how far things had gone until they go to the show and then reality hits when they see 10 other girls their daughters' age dressed like they are 25.  And that's just not right.

Let me sum up the other half of my conclusion.  The hosts of these pageants.  Where do they find these people?  Do they go to the state penitentiary and wait for the most recent release?  These people are worse than the mothers.  They often are androgenous.  They have cigarette voices, nasty hair and look like they are going to watch a track meet, not host a pageant. 

And their enthusiasm?  over.whelming.

Ok, I've been kind of hard on those of you who like/did/currently put your children through pageants.  It's probably because I grew up in the northeast.   It's not such a big deal around here.  You'll notice the families on Toddlers and Tiaras are always super southern. 

In New England, you won't sweetly entice a child to "get up off the flo-er na-ow so you can win a cra-own....".  People don't talk that nicely around here.  It would be more like "get your goddamned ass of that flo NOW because I said so!  Donchew make me come ova they-a and shove my foot up it!"

And somehow I don't think they'd get the viewership if they filmed in New England.

1 comment:

  1. We had a little girl spend the night with our 7 year old and apparently she is in pageants. I had no idea. She is a beautiful child, but she showed us her pageant wave! Her parents seem totally normal, but they are from the south :)

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