Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I received this notice in my mailbox today. I realize that I should be thankful that I get mail delivered to my house. And that it's not at the end of my driveway, but about 3 steps from my door. However, I'm REALLY annoyed that I have to either make sure no cars are in the driveway or move it to a more suitable location so the driver doesn't have to get out.

Imagine if everyone could just give out notices like this in their workplace. Mine would look like this:

Your Child Needs Attention:

Educational regulations require customers to provide and erect, at their own expense, children which meet official standards. A recent inspection disclosed the following failures:

1. your child has not been approved as a human being
2. your child needs attention
3. child must be able to speak loud enough that teachers do not have to crawl down on the floor in order to hear what he is saying
4. your child is dirty/smells
5. your child's hair needs to be cut as it is forever in front of the eyes and one does not know if he can even see through the mess
6. your child cannot return to school until his glasses are in clean, wearable order; shrugging the shoulders and saying "I can't find my glasses" will not be tolerated
7. your child's mouth is out of control
8. your child's butt crack/thong/boxers are exposed far too often
9. your daughter's breasts need to be wrangled in and housed in appropriate clothing where they will remain throughout the day

Please help us provide you with better service by correcting these faults by (date). After this date, educational services may be suspended until the faults are corrected. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

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