Sunday, March 20, 2011

I Think It's Time For Some Mail

 Dear Kotex,

I have been a fan of your products for a number of years, but only this week did I discover the true power of your panty liners.  Now, lest you(and my readers) get all worked up and grossed out over this picture and the fact that it looks like I just casually tossed on one the floor, let me explain.  Do you see that slight mark on the rug above it, just to the left?

It appears that someone in this house brought in hydraulic oil either on their shoes or on something they carried.  This left spots all over the carpet, which at first glance just looked like impressions from something on the rug.  K-ster is the one who said it looked like stains.  All I have to hear is stain and I go berserk.  So, I got down and smelled the floor. OH MY EFFING GOD WHAT IS THAT????  Then k-ster got on the floor and sniffed and confirmed that it smelled like hydraulic oil.  Oh if only I had thought it was funny enough at the time to take a picture.  We have plenty outside, but the mystery that remains, is HOW DID IT GET HERE?  And in so many places!!!

So, nothing says a fun Friday night better than trying to imagine the ways we can get oil out of a carpet.  I googled "hydraulic oil out of carpet" and was immediately met with suggestions.  Without the internet, what on earth did our mothers and grandmothers do when disasters like this happened?  This first one right here was the miracle I needed.  It's nice to know I am not alone in this in-home disaster.  If you read carefully, here is step 3:
Use a clean feminine hygeine pad to gently blot the stained area. Continue blotting the area until you can no longer see residue being lifted from the pad.

Say what????  It all started to click.  We have "pigs" which are basically big pads, that go into the drain pits for the car wash to collect any oil run off from people's cars.  Pads are supposed to be absorbent, right?  These must all be made of the same stuff.   This  made a lot of sense, but I just couldn't waste a regular size one.  So I got the panty liners and ran around blotting up the alcohol that I was instructed to pour on the carpet.  AND IT WORKED.  I could actually see the oil on the pads as I blotted.  

The next step was to use dish detergent, but I have recently learned that shampoo is a magical thing and I used that instead.  I once read on a blog that shampoo got olive oil out of a shirt and it dawned on me that if it gets the grease out of your hair, of course it will get the grease out of your clothes.  And your carpet, in this case.

Clearly,when  the next oil disaster strikes, I will be sure to call my congressman and explain the value and super absorbency of your product.  Thanks again~!!

Thoroughly blotted and oil free,

Dear Ann Taylor Loft,

Oh Annie, you've done it again!  You might remember my post a while back about the delight I felt when I found some pants that fit just the way I wanted them to.  I did have to hem them, but I was in love.  I've worn them a lot this winter, so I've been looking for some others.  You name your pants so we know which style to look for.  Mine is Julie.  Julie and I are now best buds.  I search online for the best deals on Julie.  I found 2 pair online recently for 30% off, which I got because I'm a teacher.  That's pretty cool.  I used to be a huge fan of Ann Taylor Loft and bought a lot of clothes from you, but over the years, I've kind of stayed away. 

I ordered this black pair which I like.  No, those aren't my super long legs, so I will have to hem them.  They are a strange material, but I think I'll be ok with them.  I also ordered some khakis, but they are the color khaki that I call "child molester beige" so they went right back to the store for a refund.  I love that you allow online orders to be returned at the store.  It truly is a plus when a store does this.  While I was there, there was some sort of mishap with an exploding light bulb and the fire department had to come and make sure there wasn't a fire up in the ceiling.  I found some jeans I liked and really wanted to try on, but I worried I'd have them half on and the fire alarm would go off.

I gave them a try and didn't have to leave with fire bells ringing.  Those aren't my super skinny long legs either.  But this is where I've decided to become a faithful fan of Ann Taylor Loft once again.  These jeans are not Julie.  They are Curvy, Straight, Skinny jeans, which I usually think are ridiculous on people.  But I loved the color.  They are a deep indigo color and my favorite aspect is that they are not ripped, shredded nor do they have that "erased" look on the butt and thighs.  But my number one reason I think I am in love with you?  They are size 0.  Now, I am not one to talk about what size I wear, and I usually don't even both with 1s or 0s because I left those behind long ago.  2s and 4s are my things these days.  So I brought in a 4 and they seemed kind of loose, so I sent the girl to get me  a 2.  You were out of 2s so she brought a 0 and I have a good laugh.  Until I put them on.  OMG, they so fit.  And I am so shocked.

If I didn't know better, I might think they were jeggings.  BUt they are indeed actual jeans, they just have some stretch to them.  And they are the best color.  And I think I am going to try wearing them tomorrow, tucked into my boots.  This is a look I have been sneering at all winter long when I see women wearing it.  But I'm going to give it a whirl.  Because  tomorrow, I will wear a 0.

Thanks ever so much Ann,

Dear Half and Half,
For the love of Christ, where have you been all my life?  And just what nectar of the gods are you??? Half milk and half what- bliss????   I had to buy some of you for some potato soup that I made last week.  Which I really enjoyed. And I hate to throw things away, so I thought I'd put you in some chai.  Delightful.  Today, I put you in some hot chocolate that I made from scratch.  So THIS is what it's meant to taste like.

I will not be buying you again, my friend, as I would never fit into a 0 again (see above) if I were to continue to drink things with you in them.  But what a difference you make!  I can only imagine what full cream would do.

Feeling the arteries clog as I drink,

Dear Corned Beef,

Ok, I'm not afraid to ask.  Just what the hell ARE you?  You know I do not eat beef, have not since I was 16 because beef bothers my stomach.  However, I do eat corned beef on occasion and nothing seems to happen.  This year, I thought I'd be all Irish, since I am a lot Irish, and actually make Corned Beef and cabbage.  In my fantabulous new crock pot.  K-ster wasn't thrilled, not being Irish, and not being thrilled with the idea of cabbage.  I agree, it smells, but I was willing.

I was determined, so off I went to the grocery to buy some Corned Beef.  And when I got there, I had no idea what to do.  What is this gray or red option?  How would I know what size?  Why are you so expensive?  Are you pre cooked?  What is this "corning" process you go through? Are you ham?  Pork?  Beef?  Soy?  It boggles my mind that I have no idea what the answer is to these questions.  I make a very conscious habit of knowing just what I'm eating and yet, I've never questioned what you are.

So, I gave up.  I stood in the meat department and look at the choices, and couldn't figure out what to do, so I left with no Corned Beef.  We had potato soup one day during the week.  It had lots of parsley and was supposed to be green.  But I cut back on the parsley because it's overwhelming, so it was white soup with flecks of green.  And no one invited me for Corned Beef and Cabbage.  So I didn't celebrate Irish day in any way except to wear lots of green.

Not okay with not knowing what you are,

Dear Gwenstopher,

At 14, you are suddenly very playful!  I know it's spring, and your favorite grass is all dead and crunchy and is very fun to roll around and play on.  I was enjoying the sun for a few minutes today, too.  I'm not really sure why you think the extension cord is a good thing to play with in the grass.  I had much more fun when you started playing with the stick I was running through the grass.  Stay away from that cord!!!

 Here you are, surveying all that you have been given, like a lion on the savannah.  It's fun to soak in the sun right here, I totally agree!

Keep on playing,


  1. Dear Sparkling

    Can you come over and clean the stains in my carpet?

    After all this bragging about your expertise, it is the least you can do.

    What day will work for you?



    that is all

  2. I'm a recent convert to ebay for clothing. At first I was all up in arms like "how can you just buy stuff without trying it on." Then it occurred to me if you try something on, and like it. Perhaps you could also find it online at ebay. I'm the proud owner of 3 pairs of $80 jeans, each of which cost me $20.


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